For the last time I have broken up with my boyfriend!!! His name is Bryan and I thought we were in love. I moved up to Portland and am going to school to get my Bachelor of Science degree in graphic design. He and I had been together for about a year prior to me moving out-of-state and going to school up here in Oregon. I used to live in California and he and I pretty much spent every waking hour together. Little did I know that he was using heroin the whole damn time!
He finally told me the truth before I moved. He was supposed to come up here and live with me, but after he came forward and told me that he had been using and was strung out I told him I could not handle living with him. And I even gave him the chance to come up here and live with me if he could put three solid months together of sobriety time. Yet he did not. His addiction seemed to take a speedy turn into serious addiction whereas now he uses meth now too and shoots as much heroin as he can. He lost his apartment and now lives with his parents. Meaning he occasionally goes home and takes a shower and gets clean clothes and money from his dad to support his habit.
All he does is drugs. He does not work, he is not following the rules of the probation of the law program that he is now on and he has become bitter, nasty, user and an abuser. He is so mean to me sometimes and is constantly accusing me of hooking up with other people. We have tried to remain committed through this time of upheaval in his life. But it is not working and now he says he hates me and accuses me of hooking up and having sex with people all the time when I have been with no one but him in the past 2 to 3 years that we have been together.
So last night he texted me and told me that he hated me and that he knows I hooked up with someone while he was up here visiting me. So I blocked his number. He is crazy and out of control. When he drove up here, out of his way for about a 12 hour drive he left me and ran around with the homeless kids around here, asked a woman to go on a date with him and when he left he took off with $100 dollars of mine and didn’t even say goodbye.
So I blocked his number today and even though it makes me sad that we will not be together anymore. I am relieved that he cannot and will not hurt me anymore. I want him out of my life but it’s so hard because when we were doing good I wanted to marry him and have his children. He is a good person but he is on drugs and when he is high he is not himself. He treats me horribly when he comes up here to visit me and now I am sad because I lost someone who I thought was a good friend to me. Yet he is numb. He doesn’t have any normal feelings because they are all blocked out by all the dope he is on. I hope I can go on without contacting him or having anything to do with him.
I do still love him as a person but I cannot be around him when he is high, which is all the time. I am sad and depressed about it but not talking to him is the only thing I can think of doing. I feel like my heart has been broken so many times by him and I don’t want to hurt anymore. I need to find the strength within myself to let him go. This is really hard. And such a tragic situation. I loved him so much and now he’s gone. I pray that he finds help and gets sober for the well-being of his own life. I feel helpless there’s nothing I can do to help him.
I have been enjoying my summer break from school so much. Not to mention I have actually been following through with the things I said that I wanted to do, like going to the gym and going to more AA (alcoholics anonymous) meetings. Plus I’ve been getting to hang out and spend the night at my boyfriend’s house more often. At first I thought that he and I would get sick of each other, but we haven’t. We have spent every night together for about a week and I am just absolutely loving it. I can’t wait till he and I move in with each other when we move to Portland, Oregon.
Today I have already been to the gym this morning and in a few minutes I am headed to an AA meeting in the town I live in. Then after the meeting I am going out to coffee with a friend from the meeting. I hope to discuss with him how to improve my credit score because he is a former credit counselor and he will know a lot more about repairing bad credit than I will. I am 36 years old and I happened to ruin my credit score when I was younger and took advantage of credit cards and buying cell phones using my credit while I was still in my addiction.
I was worried that I was not going to have enough things to do while I was on summer break but I have to work on getting ready for the move to Portland and I also have to work on getting some scholarships and other school financial aid assistance. Since I will not be working while I will be going to school full time I am trying to get as much help as I can. Fortunately I did well and got good grades while I was at the Junior College that I was able to get a letter of recommendation from one of my former teachers for a scholarship
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and I feel very grateful for that. I am also working with my Native American Indian tribe which is going to help me with the tuition for school. I am so thankful for my background and my heritage knowing that I am part Native American has never been as beneficial as it is to me right now.
I am on my way to an AA, Alcoholic Anonymous, meeting today and then I am going to the gym. I have not had any time to go to the gym this week because I have been rigorously studying for my exams, finals and final projects for the end of the semester. I am desperately trying to pull my grades up so that I will get a solid “B” in both classes. Right now I am teetering on the edge of an “D” in one class and that is making me freak out. I have tried to get ahold of the teacher and he is not responding back to me. I will have to just keep bugging him and look like I am desperate because that is what it has come down to. It is really frustrating and I know the teachers are very busy during this time to but I need some extra help too. Which I know they would be so gracious to do if I am persistent and ask nicely. I used to think I wanted to be a college professor but now I am thinking it might just be really hard work.
I am having a really hard time lately. I am spending quite a lot of time cramming for math homework. And trying to teach myself the equations and stuff. God it’s pretty hard work when you are doing it by yourself. I get really stressed out and so I have been going to a lot of AA, Alcoholic Anonymous meetings, because I am trying to ground myself and remember what’s really important in life which is my sobriety and my health. Although getting good grades is pretty high up there on my priority list. I do really miss hanging out with my boyfriend but I think he’s mad at me because I said I needed time to study and then I was going to meetings and blogging instead of studying 24/7.
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