Well, I spoke with Brian Renauer, and he told me that it was okay to go ahead and finish the final exam by answering the last essay question and he would revise my grade to a better grade depending on the points I get for the answering of the question on the exam.I am so elated because this means that I have a chance at continuing my tribal funding for school and housing next term and next year! This is such a big deal I cannot explain how relieved and overjoyed I am that the professor was willing to work with me. I had to be honest with him and tell him that my disability was acting up and was preventing me from getting a satisfactory score on the final exam which dropped my grade solo. I was doing great on the assignments, getting 100% on almost everything and turning everything in. I took copious notes in class and answered questions asked of me end more. I went above and beyond in that class and I know that I can get a passing grade of a c minus when I go to finish this final exam question.
I have not told my parents that I got a bad grade and I am afraid to find out what they would say about it. But now that I have this huge opportunity to up my mark in the class, I now can proudly tell my tribe that I passed with a c minus and that constitutes a total of 12 credits per term which is the minimum amount of credits I have to take in order to be eligible for the financial aid that they award to students.
thank you God for giving me this second chance and I swear I will try my hardest to complete the question to the best of my ability and make it be known that I understand what is going on in the class and that I was present and tried to the best of my ability to complete everything that I could except for missing this one last question. I am so grateful that Brian is a understanding and sensitive man and cease the seriousness of my plate. he told me to go ahead and take my time but I need to get my last terms grades into the tribe so they know that I completed my 12 units which was the agreement from the beginning. The financial aid states that I must complete a total of 12 units and pass with a 2.5 GPA or above. So, I have successfully, so far, completed and succeeded in my quest 2 be a good standing student at Portland State University and get those darn 12 credits.
I am happy I don’t really have anything to do but a little but of homework. I need to memorize my flashcards for my Ancient Art class, draw for my Typography class and read for my Sex & the Family class. intermittently I might go to the store and buy some more juice for my vape, watch TV and workout. But I am really all about school this term and don’t want to waste too much time running around the city and going shopping and spending money that I don’t have at Target and Nordstrom. I bought some expensive makeup at Nordstrom the other day and I need to save my money for my Uber rides to the doctor and to the hospital for my stomach ulcer.
It’s just so nice to wake up without having a stomach ache that I feel like I want to go out and do something fun. I should probably start going back to AA meetings so that I have someone to talk to and to make sure that when I get home that I will be strong enough to resist the temptation of getting high and drinking with my friends. Because sometimes when I go home I end up getting high and using with my buddies. I know this is a terrible thing to do but I am an addict and that’s what tends to happen when I want to have fun and get around old familiar places, people and stuff, it just inevitably happens to where I end up getting intoxicated. Mostly because I feel like celebrating because I feel like I deserve to get high after I complete school.
I hate it but it’s true, I am an addict and I don’t want to use. Using drugs and alcohol have always been my downfall in my life and it’s always very dangerous because it’s like playing with fire and I do feel guilty about it when it happens. I feel like I not only do I hurt myself but I hurt those around me. I guess AA meetings would be a good solution but I have to admit that sometimes it doesn’t work. We will see what happens. It’s like a catch 22, because I know that if I start going to AA meetings then I feel very guilty when I use dope. And not only do I hurt my self when I use and destroy my life but I hurt those who love me the most like my family and all those people who have been supporting me and helping me through my journey. It sucks being an addict.
It is midterm time and the end of the Spring Term. Feeling burnt out? Yeah you could say that in the least! I’m getting so tired of school and just can’t wait for my Summer vacation. I am having low motivation on completing my homework. Just pushing along hard enough to get by at this point, but I want to keep my grades up so I need to work hard and not slack off at the end like I always do.
I know I can do this. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend and I miss his dumbass very much. He really was a sweetie and a good person but not good to me while he is using drugs and in a different mind state. I was always worried about him and wondering what he was doing while high because he gets into these crazy antics and I’m practically two states away from him while I’m up here in Oregon and he’s close to Nevada. I have to admit that I really really miss him. And it makes me sad that when I go home next month for a week during Summer break that I will probably not see him, especially if he is still using. I don’t know, it’s complicated, but it’s probably best if I just leave him alone. Well I have 2 essays to work on and a summer job to look for so I have to get busy and start working on those.
Not to mention my stomach ache that I’ve had for the past two weeks. It’s been excruciating! Seriously painful. I went to the doctor and she said I probably have an ulcer so I’ve been drinking Mylanta like a Mo Fo. And it only seems to help for a little while. Soon, this coming week I will be getting an
Mylanta for Ulcer
ultrasound on my tummy to see what’s going on in there. Plus it makes me bloated and I feel like I look like I’m pregnant which makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure. I have a BOFO (you see my stomach befo’ you see my butt), because my stomach sticks out farther than my ass. How embarrassing! Anyway I hope to get my health taken care of so I can concentrate on my studies and not worry about all the pain I’m feeling in my abdomen.
I have just broken up with my boyfriend and in turn lost my best friend. It’s hot outside and I feel like I’m 30-pounds overweight. I am not doing very well in my Ancient Art class and I am really worried about the midterm in the class. I am not clear on what we are supposed to write about and I have a terrible time remembering the flashcards that he gives us every week. I feel like I have no friends and I am really lonely here at school. It’s probably because I am a lot older than a lot of the other people who go to school here.
I don’t know what to do about my depression other than starting to get more involved with AA meetings again and I would also like to start going to the student recreation center as well.During summer break I will continue living here on campus and I would like to have a job by then. Not only to make some money but to also make some friends and meet some new people. There is a possibility that I have an interview at Greenpeace, which is a cause that I would like to support and it might look good on my resume.
Well I am determined to change something because my lifestyle is not working for me currently and I need some emotional support and to meet a group of people who I can bond with. I’m getting burnt out at school and am struggling to keep my grades up. I have to start writing down on my calendar what extra-credit projects I can work on and get those things out-of-the-way, so I can ensure myself that I will get better grades in my classes. Right now I have two “A’s” and one “D.” I am very scared to get put on Academic Probation because that might mean I will lose my financial aid.
God, I was really stressing on this midterm because I have a 68% in this Ancient Art class.Which means I need .2% to get a passing grade, a “C.” The class is not built very well for my style of learning. It is a lecture class and we have to memorize a lot of things. Like we get about 40 flashcards a week and then get tested on them. Having to remember names, dates and locations out of forty, obscure objects isn’t my favorite thing to do. Yet I am getting 2 “A’s” in my other classes. I really hope I get a good grade on this midterm, so I do not get put on Academic Probation.
For the last time I have broken up with my boyfriend!!! His name is Bryan and I thought we were in love. I moved up to Portland and am going to school to get my Bachelor of Science degree in graphic design. He and I had been together for about a year prior to me moving out-of-state and going to school up here in Oregon. I used to live in California and he and I pretty much spent every waking hour together. Little did I know that he was using heroin the whole damn time!
He finally told me the truth before I moved. He was supposed to come up here and live with me, but after he came forward and told me that he had been using and was strung out I told him I could not handle living with him. And I even gave him the chance to come up here and live with me if he could put three solid months together of sobriety time. Yet he did not. His addiction seemed to take a speedy turn into serious addiction whereas now he uses meth now too and shoots as much heroin as he can. He lost his apartment and now lives with his parents. Meaning he occasionally goes home and takes a shower and gets clean clothes and money from his dad to support his habit.
All he does is drugs. He does not work, he is not following the rules of the probation of the law program that he is now on and he has become bitter, nasty, user and an abuser. He is so mean to me sometimes and is constantly accusing me of hooking up with other people. We have tried to remain committed through this time of upheaval in his life. But it is not working and now he says he hates me and accuses me of hooking up and having sex with people all the time when I have been with no one but him in the past 2 to 3 years that we have been together.
So last night he texted me and told me that he hated me and that he knows I hooked up with someone while he was up here visiting me. So I blocked his number. He is crazy and out of control. When he drove up here, out of his way for about a 12 hour drive he left me and ran around with the homeless kids around here, asked a woman to go on a date with him and when he left he took off with $100 dollars of mine and didn’t even say goodbye.
So I blocked his number today and even though it makes me sad that we will not be together anymore. I am relieved that he cannot and will not hurt me anymore. I want him out of my life but it’s so hard because when we were doing good I wanted to marry him and have his children. He is a good person but he is on drugs and when he is high he is not himself. He treats me horribly when he comes up here to visit me and now I am sad because I lost someone who I thought was a good friend to me. Yet he is numb. He doesn’t have any normal feelings because they are all blocked out by all the dope he is on. I hope I can go on without contacting him or having anything to do with him.
I do still love him as a person but I cannot be around him when he is high, which is all the time. I am sad and depressed about it but not talking to him is the only thing I can think of doing. I feel like my heart has been broken so many times by him and I don’t want to hurt anymore.I need to find the strength within myself to let him go. This is really hard. And such a tragic situation. I loved him so much and now he’s gone. I pray that he finds help and gets sober for the well-being of his own life. I feel helpless there’s nothing I can do to help him.
Today I am cramming for my math final. There are only two days left of school and then it’s summer vacation. At 2 p.m. today I have an appointment with my tutor and I hope that she can help me finis
h learning more about how to do these equations that contain logarithms. I used the “Khan Academy” site online yesterday which actually helped me understand the basics of logarithms. But I am still having some trouble with the longer and more complicated equations. I always thought that I was pretty good at math until we got to this last part in the algebra textbook. It is the end of the book and I am surprised that throughout the semester we made it through the whole entire math textbook. We covered quite a lot of information and I am hoping that I can retain most of everything we learned. I’m thankful that the teacher is allowing us to use a 3×5″ card with notes on it for the exam.
Once the math final is over I will feel like I am finally free of worrying about school. I am only taking one class this summer and the rest of the time I will use to get ready to move out-of-state and get signed up for school at PSU. Also I would like to start going to the gym everyday and go to more AA meetings. I miss talking to my friends there. Plus I will be working on getting scholarships and grants for school on the fall. But for now I am literally counting down the hours till my math final. Until then I am super busy and will be spending each spare minute I have on studying for the math final. Wish me luck, I am going to need all the help I can get.
I have been tentatively waiting for a letter to arrive in the mail that says I’ve been accepted to Portland State University, in Oregon State, U. S. A. Yesterday finally I got an email from the school that says I am officially accepted into the college. It turns out that they are considered a green college and they send out their acceptance letters via email as a way to save paper. I like this idea as I am also somebody who likes to live a green life as much as possible and believes in sustainability. I live in a very liberal and hippie/yuppie-like town in Northern California. To say the least I was very excited when I got the information that I was accepted, I didn’t believe in myself that it was possible, even though I had friends and family telling me that it was probable. I guess I need to have more faith in myself and to give myself more credit for all the hard work I’ve been putting into school. I have a grade point average of 3.35 and have been on the Dean’s honor roll for two semesters in a row. I have also received scholarships and awards for excellence in graphic design.
I almost cried when I got the information that I was accepted. The first person I told was my dad and I love to be able to give him some good news. I love to be able to make my parents proud because it has been a rare thing in my life that I have been able to do things to show them that I am a capable person and worthwhile to be supported from them for so long in my life. I mean I am a little bit of a late bloomer considering I will be 36 coming up in a few weeks. I consider myself an adult, returning college student. Which is a humbling experience because most of the students I am in class with are younger than me. But at this point I am holding my pride back because I have nothing to lose, getting an education is on the top of my priority list and I cannot wait for two years to be up to get my bachelor’s degree. I will not let anything get in my way of pursuing my dream. After that I am hoping to get my Master’s Degree.
This is finally my time to shine, yay. I feel like a phoenix rising from the ashes. I have been through so much trouble and tribulations in my young adult life that I deserve to have this great opportunity to go and finish my education. I have spent years in and out of jails and rehabs, lived on and off the streets and just basically a teenage and young adult hoodlum, committing crimes and supporting myself through illegal activities so that I could maintain an addiction to drugs in my life.
Now I am just worried that I have been given this wonderful opportunity that I am nervous that something is going to go wrong and I will not be able to complete this task. But I will take it like I have learned from the AA program “one day at a time, take it easy and this too shall pass.” So I will be also attending AA meetings when I move up there because that is who I consider to be my community, besides school, while I’m up there. And this will be used as a way to not get to get too overwhelmed with everything else that is going to come along with the schooling, transferring, navigating a new city, and new friends. Also I am so lucky that my boyfriend is willing to move up there as well. He has wanted to move up there and so it happens to work out that we are moving in together. Which I am looking forward to having my best friend and lover with me on this new venture.
I feel so lucky to be able to go to a university no matter what my age, and through trials and tribulations in my life, I know I can do this and I deserve to have this opportunity which is a fantastic thing to have. I believe that everybody should have the ability to get an education. Getting an education is critical and very important to further your maturity and ability to support yourself in a viable career. So this is something that I am not going to take for granted. Especially at this stage in my life, I am very serious about becoming a graphic designer and pursuing my education and furthering my career in my life. So thank God I am so grateful I will be going to school, it will just be getting me closer and closer to accomplishing the goals of my life. I am living the dream baby! I think that education is the key to freedom.
I am on my way to an AA, Alcoholic Anonymous, meeting today and then I am going to the gym. I have not had any time to go to the gym this week because I have been rigorously studying for my exams, finals and final projects for the end of the semester. I am desperately trying to pull my grades up so that I will get a solid “B” in both classes. Right now I am teetering on the edge of an “D” in one class and that is making me freak out. I have tried to get ahold of the teacher and he is not responding back to me. I will have to just keep bugging him and look like I am desperate because that is what it has come down to. It is really frustrating and I know the teachers are very busy during this time to but I need some extra help too. Which I know they would be so gracious to do if I am persistent and ask nicely. I used to think I wanted to be a college professor but now I am thinking it might just be really hard work.
I am having a really hard time lately. I am spending quite a lot of time cramming for math homework. And trying to teach myself the equations and stuff. God it’s pretty hard work when you are doing it by yourself. I get really stressed out and so I have been going to a lot of AA, Alcoholic Anonymous meetings, because I am trying to ground myself and remember what’s really important in life which is my sobriety and my health. Although getting good grades is pretty high up there on my priority list. I do really miss hanging out with my boyfriend but I think he’s mad at me because I said I needed time to study and then I was going to meetings and blogging instead of studying 24/7.
I have just come to the realization that I am sharing some pretty intimate things on my blog. And friends and family that I know are not being very supportive, they seem to have their own opinion on what they think is safe or not. But as I have researched WordPress I have witnessed people sharing much more in detail about their personal life and some pretty intimate stories which they might not be comfortable sharing with anyone that they know in person. And sometimes it’s nice to get that feedback or a “like” just to know that someone out there in the vast sections of this Internet and hyperlink system, which goes across the world, is able to relate to my small, insignificant little life. Because when it really comes down to it we are only one in billions of people on this planet and who really cares if I share something that might be embarrassing or something that I might think would hurt my “pride” in the real world. So I share whatever I feel like sharing and I don’t mind what people think because I am still getting likes and I wouldn’t mind hearing about the dislikes as well, but there is not a button for that. But I haven’t gotten any real negative comments only positive ones which keep me pushing forward. I feel like I have a lot to say. And it is therapeutic for me to write about what is going on in my life. Maybe one day I will be able to write a book.
I went to my Junior College’s counselor and he was 6 years younger than me. I told him a little about my life story and how I am in recovery, from drugs and alcohol, and that I was a little embarrassed to share that with him. Especially since I went to his office to talk business and how I can successfully transfer to a University. I will have 5 years completely clean and sober on 7/11/17. Originally I had gone into his office to talk about transferring to Portland State University and then we ended up talking about our own personal life struggles. I told him about how I had been addicted to Cocaine and Heroin for almost 15 years, using it intravenously and living off and on the streets, in and out of jail and couch surfing as much as I could. The counselor, Matt, was so kind to me and said he could not believe that I was doing so good now and he had rarely seen people turn their lives around like me. I was surprised when he said that because I thought a lot of people from the Alcoholics Anonymous program that I go to, I have seen those people at school once in awhile.
But he said that was not the case at all. He told me that very few people actually turn their lives around and graduate with honors like I hopefully will after the summer semester. That was nice to hear from someone that I am doing a good job and I am beating the odds. I have known and had a few friends pass away from this horrible addiction. They were much too young to die. This was a huge motivation for me to stop using. If they were alive now I hope that they would be proud of me and that I could be an inspiration for them to get clean and sober too.
I have been feeling upset and stressed out due to the end of the semester exams, projects and finals. Which sometimes makes me feel like just having one beer will help me to calm down and would be like having a party or a celebration for all the hard work I’ve been doing, but do to my alcohol addiction I cannot afford to even tempt myself to think about this so I have been going to more AA, Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and trying to stay grounded. I really have been cramming and studying every chance I get because I feel like it takes me longer than others to learn things sometimes. I have a hard time concentrating and retaining information, especially when it is at a fast pace. I
like to work slowly and not be rushed. So I am doing my best to stay on top of things, yet I am also giving myself some free fun time once a week to have a barbeque or whatever to chill out and relax at the beach. The weather’s’ been beautiful and I am so grateful for my life. I have been doing a lot of praying and trying to stay positive. I am so fortunate and blessed I really have nothing to complain about. I should start writing a gratitude list every night and be thankful schools almost over! Yay!!!