Today I am cramming for my math final. There are only two days left of school and then it’s summer vacation. At 2 p.m. today I have an appointment with my tutor and I hope that she can help me finis
h learning more about how to do these equations that contain logarithms. I used the “Khan Academy” site online yesterday which actually helped me understand the basics of logarithms. But I am still having some trouble with the longer and more complicated equations. I always thought that I was pretty good at math until we got to this last part in the algebra textbook. It is the end of the book and I am surprised that throughout the semester we made it through the whole entire math textbook. We covered quite a lot of information and I am hoping that I can retain most of everything we learned. I’m thankful that the teacher is allowing us to use a 3×5″ card with notes on it for the exam.
Once the math final is over I will feel like I am finally free of worrying about school. I am only taking one class this summer and the rest of the time I will use to get ready to move out-of-state and get signed up for school at PSU. Also I would like to start going to the gym everyday and go to more AA meetings. I miss talking to my friends there. Plus I will be working on getting scholarships and grants for school on the fall. But for now I am literally counting down the hours till my math final. Until then I am super busy and will be spending each spare minute I have on studying for the math final. Wish me luck, I am going to need all the help I can get.
I have been tentatively waiting for a letter to arrive in the mail that says I’ve been accepted to Portland State University, in Oregon State, U. S. A. Yesterday finally I got an email from the school that says I am officially accepted into the college. It turns out that they are considered a green college and they send out their acceptance letters via email as a way to save paper. I like this idea as I am also somebody who likes to live a green life as much as possible and believes in sustainability. I live in a very liberal and hippie/yuppie-like town in Northern California. To say the least I was very excited when I got the information that I was accepted, I didn’t believe in myself that it was possible, even though I had friends and family telling me that it was probable. I guess I need to have more faith in myself and to give myself more credit for all the hard work I’ve been putting into school. I have a grade point average of 3.35 and have been on the Dean’s honor roll for two semesters in a row. I have also received scholarships and awards for excellence in graphic design.
I almost cried when I got the information that I was accepted. The first person I told was my dad and I love to be able to give him some good news. I love to be able to make my parents proud because it has been a rare thing in my life that I have been able to do things to show them that I am a capable person and worthwhile to be supported from them for so long in my life. I mean I am a little bit of a late bloomer considering I will be 36 coming up in a few weeks. I consider myself an adult, returning college student. Which is a humbling experience because most of the students I am in class with are younger than me. But at this point I am holding my pride back because I have nothing to lose, getting an education is on the top of my priority list and I cannot wait for two years to be up to get my bachelor’s degree. I will not let anything get in my way of pursuing my dream. After that I am hoping to get my Master’s Degree.
This is finally my time to shine, yay. I feel like a phoenix rising from the ashes. I have been through so much trouble and tribulations in my young adult life that I deserve to have this great opportunity to go and finish my education. I have spent years in and out of jails and rehabs, lived on and off the streets and just basically a teenage and young adult hoodlum, committing crimes and supporting myself through illegal activities so that I could maintain an addiction to drugs in my life.
Now I am just worried that I have been given this wonderful opportunity that I am nervous that something is going to go wrong and I will not be able to complete this task. But I will take it like I have learned from the AA program “one day at a time, take it easy and this too shall pass.” So I will be also attending AA meetings when I move up there because that is who I consider to be my community, besides school, while I’m up there. And this will be used as a way to not get to get too overwhelmed with everything else that is going to come along with the schooling, transferring, navigating a new city, and new friends. Also I am so lucky that my boyfriend is willing to move up there as well. He has wanted to move up there and so it happens to work out that we are moving in together. Which I am looking forward to having my best friend and lover with me on this new venture.
I feel so lucky to be able to go to a university no matter what my age, and through trials and tribulations in my life, I know I can do this and I deserve to have this opportunity which is a fantastic thing to have. I believe that everybody should have the ability to get an education. Getting an education is critical and very important to further your maturity and ability to support yourself in a viable career. So this is something that I am not going to take for granted. Especially at this stage in my life, I am very serious about becoming a graphic designer and pursuing my education and furthering my career in my life. So thank God I am so grateful I will be going to school, it will just be getting me closer and closer to accomplishing the goals of my life. I am living the dream baby! I think that education is the key to freedom.
Encyclopedia Books (from the olden days)
I am on my way to an AA, Alcoholic Anonymous, meeting today and then I am going to the gym. I have not had any time to go to the gym this week because I have been rigorously studying for my exams, finals and final projects for the end of the semester. I am desperately trying to pull my grades up so that I will get a solid “B” in both classes. Right now I am teetering on the edge of an “D” in one class and that is making me freak out. I have tried to get ahold of the teacher and he is not responding back to me. I will have to just keep bugging him and look like I am desperate because that is what it has come down to. It is really frustrating and I know the teachers are very busy during this time to but I need some extra help too. Which I know they would be so gracious to do if I am persistent and ask nicely. I used to think I wanted to be a college professor but now I am thinking it might just be really hard work.
I am having a really hard time lately. I am spending quite a lot of time cramming for math homework. And trying to teach myself the equations and stuff. God it’s pretty hard work when you are doing it by yourself. I get really stressed out and so I have been going to a lot of AA, Alcoholic Anonymous meetings, because I am trying to ground myself and remember what’s really important in life which is my sobriety and my health. Although getting good grades is pretty high up there on my priority list. I do really miss hanging out with my boyfriend but I think he’s mad at me because I said I needed time to study and then I was going to meetings and blogging instead of studying 24/7.
Alcoholics Anonymous Logo
I have just come to the realization that I am sharing some pretty intimate things on my blog. And friends and family that I know are not being very supportive, they seem to have their own opinion on what they think is safe or not. But as I have researched WordPress I have witnessed people sharing much more in detail about their personal life and some pretty intimate stories which they might not be comfortable sharing with anyone that they know in person. And sometimes it’s nice to get that feedback or a “like” just to know that someone out there in the vast sections of this Internet and hyperlink system, which goes across the world, is able to relate to my small, insignificant little life. Because when it really comes down to it we are only one in billions of people on this planet and who really cares if I share something that might be embarrassing or something that I might think would hurt my “pride” in the real world. So I share whatever I feel like sharing and I don’t mind what people think because I am still getting likes and I wouldn’t mind hearing about the dislikes as well, but there is not a button for that. But I haven’t gotten any real negative comments only positive ones which keep me pushing forward. I feel like I have a lot to say. And it is therapeutic for me to write about what is going on in my life. Maybe one day I will be able to write a book.
I went to my Junior College’s counselor and he was 6 years younger than me. I told him a little about my life story and how I am in recovery, from drugs and alcohol, and that I was a little embarrassed to share that with him. Especially since I went to his office to talk business and how I can successfully transfer to a University. I will have 5 years completely clean and sober on 7/11/17. Originally I had gone into his office to talk about transferring to Portland State University and then we ended up talking about our own personal life struggles. I told him about how I had been addicted to Cocaine and Heroin for almost 15 years, using it intravenously and living off and on the streets, in and out of jail and couch surfing as much as I could. The counselor, Matt, was so kind to me and said he could not believe that I was doing so good now and he had rarely seen people turn their lives around like me. I was surprised when he said that because I thought a lot of people from the Alcoholics Anonymous program that I go to, I have seen those people at school once in awhile.
But he said that was not the case at all. He told me that very few people actually turn their lives around and graduate with honors like I hopefully will after the summer semester. That was nice to hear from someone that I am doing a good job and I am beating the odds. I have known and had a few friends pass away from this horrible addiction. They were much too young to die. This was a huge motivation for me to stop using. If they were alive now I hope that they would be proud of me and that I could be an inspiration for them to get clean and sober too.
I have been feeling upset and stressed out due to the end of the semester exams, projects and finals. Which sometimes makes me feel like just having one beer will help me to calm down and would be like having a party or a celebration for all the hard work I’ve been doing, but do to my alcohol addiction I cannot afford to even tempt myself to think about this so I have been going to more AA, Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and trying to stay grounded. I really have been cramming and studying every chance I get because I feel like it takes me longer than others to learn things sometimes. I have a hard time concentrating and retaining information, especially when it is at a fast pace. I
like to work slowly and not be rushed. So I am doing my best to stay on top of things, yet I am also giving myself some free fun time once a week to have a barbeque or whatever to chill out and relax at the beach. The weather’s’ been beautiful and I am so grateful for my life. I have been doing a lot of praying and trying to stay positive. I am so fortunate and blessed I really have nothing to complain about. I should start writing a gratitude list every night and be thankful schools almost over! Yay!!!