Write, Type, Fight for Those “A’s!”
It is midterm time and the end of the Spring Term. Feeling burnt out? Yeah you could say that in the least! I’m getting so tired of school and just can’t wait for my Summer vacation. I am having low motivation on completing my homework. Just pushing along hard enough to get by at this point, but I want to keep my grades up so I need to work hard and not slack off at the end like I always do.
I know I can do this. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend and I miss his dumbass very much. He really was a sweetie and a good person but not good to me while he is using drugs and in a different mind state. I was always worried about him and wondering what he was doing while high because he gets into these crazy antics and I’m practically two states away from him while I’m up here in Oregon and he’s close to Nevada. I have to admit that I really really miss him. And it makes me sad that when I go home next month for a week during Summer break that I will probably not see him, especially if he is still using. I don’t know, it’s complicated, but it’s probably best if I just leave him alone. Well I have 2 essays to work on and a summer job to look for so I have to get busy and start working on those.
Not to mention my stomach ache that I’ve had for the past two weeks. It’s been excruciating! Seriously painful. I went to the doctor and she said I probably have an ulcer so I’ve been drinking Mylanta like a Mo Fo. And it only seems to help for a little while. Soon, this coming week I will be getting an
Mylanta for Ulcer
ultrasound on my tummy to see what’s going on in there. Plus it makes me bloated and I feel like I look like I’m pregnant which makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure. I have a BOFO (you see my stomach befo’ you see my butt), because my stomach sticks out farther than my ass. How embarrassing! Anyway I hope to get my health taken care of so I can concentrate on my studies and not worry about all the pain I’m feeling in my abdomen.
I have just broken up with my boyfriend and in turn lost my best friend. It’s hot outside and I feel like I’m 30-pounds overweight. I am not doing very well in my Ancient Art class and I am really worried about the midterm in the class. I am not clear on what we are supposed to write about and I have a terrible time remembering the flashcards that he gives us every week. I feel like I have no friends and I am really lonely here at school. It’s probably because I am a lot older than a lot of the other people who go to school here.
I don’t know what to do about my depression other than starting to get more involved with AA meetings again and I would also like to start going to the student recreation center as well. During summer break I will continue living here on campus and I would like to have a job by then. Not only to make some money but to also make some friends and meet some new people. There is a possibility that I have an interview at Greenpeace, which is a cause that I would like to support and it might look good on my resume.
Well I am determined to change something because my lifestyle is not working for me currently and I need some emotional support and to meet a group of people who I can bond with. I’m getting burnt out at school and am struggling to keep my grades up. I have to start writing down on my calendar what extra-credit projects I can work on and get those things out-of-the-way, so I can ensure myself that I will get better grades in my classes. Right now I have two “A’s” and one “D.” I am very scared to get put on Academic Probation because that might mean I will lose my financial aid.
I usually don’t enjoy Monday’s, the start of the workweek, back on the grind. But today I was kind of looking forward to it. I have written long list of things for me to do for today and I like to stay busy, especially when it’s something exciting like going to a University and moving out of state to pursue my dreams and goals. I have been complaining about things to much and I realized looking back on these blogs that I am very self-critical and am always try to be perfect and can always find something about myself that I don’t like and then I zoom in and focus on that one thing about myself that I get obsessed with it and it can totally take me over and swing my mood to a depressive state like seriously take over my mind which then affects my mood. And I don’t like that about myself. I mean there’s a fine line between trying to be a better person but no one is perfect and no one ever will be. I was reading a book last night and the author was talking about how the only humans who are truly
Save The Salmon. “If we could see it through their eyes.”
living perfect and truthful lives without any clutter of the mind or living a lie are babies and infants. They have to be taught how to be cynical and angry and hateful. These are all learned behaviors that we pick up along the way for one reason or another we are conditioned to look at the flaws in life and think about ourselves or other people badly.
I know that when I find myself judging people I usually am not feeling good about myself, or if I am getting impatient or road rage in the car then I am not feeling good about myself. It’s weird because after I go to an AA meeting I usually am a much nicer driver and let people go in front of me and don’t drive around like a crazy person. So I apologize for anyone who’s read this blog and has had to read my complaints, it’s kind of embarrassing and I have no excuse other than the fact that I am stressed out about my schoolwork and it’s because I want to get a perfect score and I am not even close. I just feel like I want to give up and I get sensitive that I think the teacher and students don’t like me and that’s why i am getting bad grades, but it’s really just because I am projecting my anger onto everyone else, and it’s happening every I go. No fun! I can’t wait till I can get this semester over and have a break from all this stress. Where ever I go my ass follows me.
I am happy today because I had something to look forward to. I am getting ready to transfer to PSU and I am going to be studying a subject which I really like and am passionate about; Graphic Design. At the Junior College I loved all my Graphic Design classes and I did very well in them. I guess you could say I was a teacher’s pet and I did the best work that I could. I would get obsessed with the projects and spend endless hours on them. I think I am pretty craetive, but most importantly I have fun doing it. Sometimes my work is better than others but it’s just the ideas that are fun to come up with. I feel like once I get a formal training I will be much more skilled and going to a university might help me mature a little bit and help me get a job while I’m up there.
By the way my family got a new puppy. She is absolutely adorable. But she has show me how much work it is to take care of a puppy and I don’t think I will get a dog unless it’s full grown and it is from the animal rescue place.
Cutest dog ever!