my parents are visiting me in Portland Oregon today. They are here for a week. The weather’s been pretty hot so I’m hoping to use their swimming pool at their hotel at least one of these days. Also, we are hoping to go to the beach tomorrow if we can get a car to rent. Although all the cars that my dad was looking at are booked already and reserved for the day tomorrow, which is Friday. So we might look into going to the beach later this weekend or on Monday. We will have to leave early because it takes a while to get there, at least an hour and a half, and we would like to spend as much time at the beach as possible. BB will love it and I am looking forward to bringing her and having her see the ocean and the sand for one of the few times in her life. I’m sure she will get a kick out of it and I am looking forward to seeing her reaction to it. Also the whole time I’ve lived here in Portland Oregon I’ve wanted to go to the beach and I can’t wait to see it and see how it compares to Bodega Bay in California.
Well, I spoke with Brian Renauer, and he told me that it was okay to go ahead and finish the final exam by answering the last essay question and he would revise my grade to a better grade depending on the points I get for the answering of the question on the exam.I am so elated because this means that I have a chance at continuing my tribal funding for school and housing next term and next year! This is such a big deal I cannot explain how relieved and overjoyed I am that the professor was willing to work with me. I had to be honest with him and tell him that my disability was acting up and was preventing me from getting a satisfactory score on the final exam which dropped my grade solo. I was doing great on the assignments, getting 100% on almost everything and turning everything in. I took copious notes in class and answered questions asked of me end more. I went above and beyond in that class and I know that I can get a passing grade of a c minus when I go to finish this final exam question.
I have not told my parents that I got a bad grade and I am afraid to find out what they would say about it. But now that I have this huge opportunity to up my mark in the class, I now can proudly tell my tribe that I passed with a c minus and that constitutes a total of 12 credits per term which is the minimum amount of credits I have to take in order to be eligible for the financial aid that they award to students.
thank you God for giving me this second chance and I swear I will try my hardest to complete the question to the best of my ability and make it be known that I understand what is going on in the class and that I was present and tried to the best of my ability to complete everything that I could except for missing this one last question. I am so grateful that Brian is a understanding and sensitive man and cease the seriousness of my plate. he told me to go ahead and take my time but I need to get my last terms grades into the tribe so they know that I completed my 12 units which was the agreement from the beginning. The financial aid states that I must complete a total of 12 units and pass with a 2.5 GPA or above. So, I have successfully, so far, completed and succeeded in my quest 2 be a good standing student at Portland State University and get those darn 12 credits.
I am happy I don’t really have anything to do but a little but of homework. I need to memorize my flashcards for my Ancient Art class, draw for my Typography class and read for my Sex & the Family class. intermittently I might go to the store and buy some more juice for my vape, watch TV and workout. But I am really all about school this term and don’t want to waste too much time running around the city and going shopping and spending money that I don’t have at Target and Nordstrom. I bought some expensive makeup at Nordstrom the other day and I need to save my money for my Uber rides to the doctor and to the hospital for my stomach ulcer.
It’s just so nice to wake up without having a stomach ache that I feel like I want to go out and do something fun. I should probably start going back to AA meetings so that I have someone to talk to and to make sure that when I get home that I will be strong enough to resist the temptation of getting high and drinking with my friends. Because sometimes when I go home I end up getting high and using with my buddies. I know this is a terrible thing to do but I am an addict and that’s what tends to happen when I want to have fun and get around old familiar places, people and stuff, it just inevitably happens to where I end up getting intoxicated. Mostly because I feel like celebrating because I feel like I deserve to get high after I complete school.
I hate it but it’s true, I am an addict and I don’t want to use. Using drugs and alcohol have always been my downfall in my life and it’s always very dangerous because it’s like playing with fire and I do feel guilty about it when it happens. I feel like I not only do I hurt myself but I hurt those around me. I guess AA meetings would be a good solution but I have to admit that sometimes it doesn’t work. We will see what happens. It’s like a catch 22, because I know that if I start going to AA meetings then I feel very guilty when I use dope. And not only do I hurt my self when I use and destroy my life but I hurt those who love me the most like my family and all those people who have been supporting me and helping me through my journey. It sucks being an addict.
It is midterm time and the end of the Spring Term. Feeling burnt out? Yeah you could say that in the least! I’m getting so tired of school and just can’t wait for my Summer vacation. I am having low motivation on completing my homework. Just pushing along hard enough to get by at this point, but I want to keep my grades up so I need to work hard and not slack off at the end like I always do.
I know I can do this. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend and I miss his dumbass very much. He really was a sweetie and a good person but not good to me while he is using drugs and in a different mind state. I was always worried about him and wondering what he was doing while high because he gets into these crazy antics and I’m practically two states away from him while I’m up here in Oregon and he’s close to Nevada. I have to admit that I really really miss him. And it makes me sad that when I go home next month for a week during Summer break that I will probably not see him, especially if he is still using. I don’t know, it’s complicated, but it’s probably best if I just leave him alone. Well I have 2 essays to work on and a summer job to look for so I have to get busy and start working on those.
Not to mention my stomach ache that I’ve had for the past two weeks. It’s been excruciating! Seriously painful. I went to the doctor and she said I probably have an ulcer so I’ve been drinking Mylanta like a Mo Fo. And it only seems to help for a little while. Soon, this coming week I will be getting an
ultrasound on my tummy to see what’s going on in there. Plus it makes me bloated and I feel like I look like I’m pregnant which makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure. I have a BOFO (you see my stomach befo’ you see my butt), because my stomach sticks out farther than my ass. How embarrassing! Anyway I hope to get my health taken care of so I can concentrate on my studies and not worry about all the pain I’m feeling in my abdomen.
I have just broken up with my boyfriend and in turn lost my best friend. It’s hot outside and I feel like I’m 30-pounds overweight. I am not doing very well in my Ancient Art class and I am really worried about the midterm in the class. I am not clear on what we are supposed to write about and I have a terrible time remembering the flashcards that he gives us every week. I feel like I have no friends and I am really lonely here at school. It’s probably because I am a lot older than a lot of the other people who go to school here.
I don’t know what to do about my depression other than starting to get more involved with AA meetings again and I would also like to start going to the student recreation center as well. During summer break I will continue living here on campus and I would like to have a job by then. Not only to make some money but to also make some friends and meet some new people. There is a possibility that I have an interview at Greenpeace, which is a cause that I would like to support and it might look good on my resume.
Well I am determined to change something because my lifestyle is not working for me currently and I need some emotional support and to meet a group of people who I can bond with. I’m getting burnt out at school and am struggling to keep my grades up. I have to start writing down on my calendar what extra-credit projects I can work on and get those things out-of-the-way, so I can ensure myself that I will get better grades in my classes. Right now I have two “A’s” and one “D.” I am very scared to get put on Academic Probation because that might mean I will lose my financial aid.
I have had a stomach ache for the past 2 weeks. It could possibly be an ulcer from being stressed out about school all the time. I have been to the doctor at school about it and they wanted to take my blood for it. Although, since I am a so-called “hard-stick,” phlebotomists usually can rarely get any blood from me. I’m not sure and am ashamed to tell them that I used to be an I.V. drug user and that’s part of why they can’t hit my veins.
The school clinic even offered to pay for a taxi for me to go to the E.R. at the nearest hospital, but I had to go to class and really didn’t feel like getting probed and prodded, even though this stomach ache has been killing me for way too long. When I lived in California and had a special phlebotomist take my blood at my usual clinic, she was always able to get blood out of a vein I have on my finger. She was an old pro. Her name was Penny and she is retired now so when I had to get my blood after she left there was only one other lady there that was good at getting me. Yet last time I went to the Indian Clinic they had to take my blood out of my leg. I guess this is a big no-no in the phlebotomist community because when I tell them it’s probably easier to get a vein on my leg they say “oh no, we can’t do that.” I’m totally discouraged and want to take the needle myself and try to take the blood on my own.
Now that I live in Oregon I am trying to get set up at another Indian Clinic and yesterday they couldn’t take my blood either. This time they want to take my blood for the Hep C treatment that I had about a year ago. They want to make sure that I still do not have Hep C anymore. I am so lucky that I was able to get that treatment for free because it is a 3 month treatment and you take one pill everyday. The pill, if not covered by insurance, is $1000 per pill! So I really hope that when they test me for Hep C this time
that I am still clear of it. I will have to go to a special lab that they are sending me to so they can take my blood there.
I am on my way to an AA, Alcoholic Anonymous, meeting today and then I am going to the gym. I have not had any time to go to the gym this week because I have been rigorously studying for my exams, finals and final projects for the end of the semester. I am desperately trying to pull my grades up so that I will get a solid “B” in both classes. Right now I am teetering on the edge of an “D” in one class and that is making me freak out. I have tried to get ahold of the teacher and he is not responding back to me. I will have to just keep bugging him and look like I am desperate because that is what it has come down to. It is really frustrating and I know the teachers are very busy during this time to but I need some extra help too. Which I know they would be so gracious to do if I am persistent and ask nicely. I used to think I wanted to be a college professor but now I am thinking it might just be really hard work.
I am having a really hard time lately. I am spending quite a lot of time cramming for math homework. And trying to teach myself the equations and stuff. God it’s pretty hard work when you are doing it by yourself. I get really stressed out and so I have been going to a lot of AA, Alcoholic Anonymous meetings, because I am trying to ground myself and remember what’s really important in life which is my sobriety and my health. Although getting good grades is pretty high up there on my priority list. I do really miss hanging out with my boyfriend but I think he’s mad at me because I said I needed time to study and then I was going to meetings and blogging instead of studying 24/7.