I am happy I don’t really have anything to do but a little but of homework. I need to memorize my flashcards for my Ancient Art class, draw for my Typography class and read for my Sex & the Family class. intermittently I might go to the store and buy some more juice for my vape, watch TV and workout. But I am really all about school this term and don’t want to waste too much time running around the city and going shopping and spending money that I don’t have at Target and Nordstrom. I bought some expensive makeup at Nordstrom the other day and I need to save my money for my Uber rides to the doctor and to the hospital for my stomach ulcer.
It’s just so nice to wake up without having a stomach ache that I feel like I want to go out and do something fun. I should probably start going back to AA meetings so that I have someone to talk to and to make sure that when I get home that I will be strong enough to resist the temptation of getting high and drinking with my friends. Because sometimes when I go home I end up getting high and using with my buddies. I know this is a terrible thing to do but I am an addict and that’s what tends to happen when I want to have fun and get around old familiar places, people and stuff, it just inevitably happens to where I end up getting intoxicated. Mostly because I feel like celebrating because I feel like I deserve to get high after I complete school.
I hate it but it’s true, I am an addict and I don’t want to use. Using drugs and alcohol have always been my downfall in my life and it’s always very dangerous because it’s like playing with fire and I do feel guilty about it when it happens. I feel like I not only do I hurt myself but I hurt those around me. I guess AA meetings would be a good solution but I have to admit that sometimes it doesn’t work. We will see what happens. It’s like a catch 22, because I know that if I start going to AA meetings then I feel very guilty when I use dope. And not only do I hurt my self when I use and destroy my life but I hurt those who love me the most like my family and all those people who have been supporting me and helping me through my journey. It sucks being an addict.
AA Support Group
I have just broken up with my boyfriend and in turn lost my best friend. It’s hot outside and I feel like I’m 30-pounds overweight. I am not doing very well in my Ancient Art class and I am really worried about the midterm in the class. I am not clear on what we are supposed to write about and I have a terrible time remembering the flashcards that he gives us every week. I feel like I have no friends and I am really lonely here at school. It’s probably because I am a lot older than a lot of the other people who go to school here.
I don’t know what to do about my depression other than starting to get more involved with AA meetings again and I would also like to start going to the student recreation center as well. During summer break I will continue living here on campus and I would like to have a job by then. Not only to make some money but to also make some friends and meet some new people. There is a possibility that I have an interview at Greenpeace, which is a cause that I would like to support and it might look good on my resume.
Well I am determined to change something because my lifestyle is not working for me currently and I need some emotional support and to meet a group of people who I can bond with. I’m getting burnt out at school and am struggling to keep my grades up. I have to start writing down on my calendar what extra-credit projects I can work on and get those things out-of-the-way, so I can ensure myself that I will get better grades in my classes. Right now I have two “A’s” and one “D.” I am very scared to get put on Academic Probation because that might mean I will lose my financial aid.
For the last time I have broken up with my boyfriend!!! His name is Bryan and I thought we were in love. I moved up to Portland and am going to school to get my Bachelor of Science degree in graphic design. He and I had been together for about a year prior to me moving out-of-state and going to school up here in Oregon. I used to live in California and he and I pretty much spent every waking hour together. Little did I know that he was using heroin the whole damn time!
He finally told me the truth before I moved. He was supposed to come up here and live with me, but after he came forward and told me that he had been using and was strung out I told him I could not handle living with him. And I even gave him the chance to come up here and live with me if he could put three solid months together of sobriety time. Yet he did not. His addiction seemed to take a speedy turn into serious addiction whereas now he uses meth now too and shoots as much heroin as he can. He lost his apartment and now lives with his parents. Meaning he occasionally goes home and takes a shower and gets clean clothes and money from his dad to support his habit.
All he does is drugs. He does not work, he is not following the rules of the probation of the law program that he is now on and he has become bitter, nasty, user and an abuser. He is so mean to me sometimes and is constantly accusing me of hooking up with other people. We have tried to remain committed through this time of upheaval in his life. But it is not working and now he says he hates me and accuses me of hooking up and having sex with people all the time when I have been with no one but him in the past 2 to 3 years that we have been together.
So last night he texted me and told me that he hated me and that he knows I hooked up with someone while he was up here visiting me. So I blocked his number. He is crazy and out of control. When he drove up here, out of his way for about a 12 hour drive he left me and ran around with the homeless kids around here, asked a woman to go on a date with him and when he left he took off with $100 dollars of mine and didn’t even say goodbye.
So I blocked his number today and even though it makes me sad that we will not be together anymore. I am relieved that he cannot and will not hurt me anymore. I want him out of my life but it’s so hard because when we were doing good I wanted to marry him and have his children. He is a good person but he is on drugs and when he is high he is not himself. He treats me horribly when he comes up here to visit me and now I am sad because I lost someone who I thought was a good friend to me. Yet he is numb. He doesn’t have any normal feelings because they are all blocked out by all the dope he is on. I hope I can go on without contacting him or having anything to do with him.
I do still love him as a person but I cannot be around him when he is high, which is all the time. I am sad and depressed about it but not talking to him is the only thing I can think of doing. I feel like my heart has been broken so many times by him and I don’t want to hurt anymore. I need to find the strength within myself to let him go. This is really hard. And such a tragic situation. I loved him so much and now he’s gone. I pray that he finds help and gets sober for the well-being of his own life. I feel helpless there’s nothing I can do to help him.
I woke up early this morning and went back to sleep as I had low motivation to go to class this morning so I didn’t get time to take a shower before school. Oh well, I’ve seen people go to school in their pajamas before. At least I made it to school this time because last period I just wasn’t feeling it and didn’t make it to class. So I went to class begrudgingly and turned in my homework. I have to turn in all due work to get a good grade in that class. I don’t want to miss out on any available points. I even have a tutor to help me on the side.
Well tomorrow morning I’m going snowboarding and that’s what’s important. I finally get to treat myself to a day off and a fun day of vacation. My boyfriend and I are looking forward to it. At least I know I am and I hope he is to. I hope he doesn’t feel as though I am dragging him along for the ride because he will have to rent skis and ski boots once we get up there. But that shouldn’t be too bad. As long as we get up there early, before all the crowds get there. It’s college kids Friday so we get a special deal of only $15 for a lift ticket as opposed to the regular $75 dollars per lift ticket.
I’ve had some random people contacting me on Messenger lately and I wonder what that’s all about. I think two people from my past, like friends of over 5 years ago and one new person that I met through WordPress have contacted me through FaceBook Messenger. One asked me to be his In Home Support Servicer but I don’t want to especially since the relationship we had was strange and we were using drugs at the time and he is still using now. I mean I know he had HIV and needs help but I am not prepared or well trained enough to know how to take care of someone in this type of situation. Plus I do not want to contract HIV in anyway shape or form. I mean through cleaning his house or anything like that. And another girl contacted me randomly when we used to go out to coffee together and had gone to the bar once and I told her some embarrassing stuff so I don’t want to talk to her either.
But I am happy to know that they are ok and that they want to talk to me I just don’t really want to have anything to do with them so I will not be contacting them back. Do you think that is mean of me? I think it is best as to whatever makes me feel the most comfortable. I mean my friend with the HIV looks like crap and was kind of rude to me when we video chat the other night and the girl I barely even know what she wants. So I figure it best just to leave it up in the air.