I usually don’t enjoy Monday’s, the start of the workweek, back on the grind. But today I was kind of looking forward to it. I have written long list of things for me to do for today and I like to stay busy, especially when it’s something exciting like going to a University and moving out of state to pursue my dreams and goals. I have been complaining about things to much and I realized looking back on these blogs that I am very self-critical and am always try to be perfect and can always find something about myself that I don’t like and then I zoom in and focus on that one thing about myself that I get obsessed with it and it can totally take me over and swing my mood to a depressive state like seriously take over my mind which then affects my mood. And I don’t like that about myself. I mean there’s a fine line between trying to be a better person but no one is perfect and no one ever will be. I was reading a book last night and the author was talking about how the only humans who are truly
Save The Salmon. “If we could see it through their eyes.”
living perfect and truthful lives without any clutter of the mind or living a lie are babies and infants. They have to be taught how to be cynical and angry and hateful. These are all learned behaviors that we pick up along the way for one reason or another we are conditioned to look at the flaws in life and think about ourselves or other people badly.
I know that when I find myself judging people I usually am not feeling good about myself, or if I am getting impatient or road rage in the car then I am not feeling good about myself. It’s weird because after I go to an AA meeting I usually am a much nicer driver and let people go in front of me and don’t drive around like a crazy person. So I apologize for anyone who’s read this blog and has had to read my complaints, it’s kind of embarrassing and I have no excuse other than the fact that I am stressed out about my schoolwork and it’s because I want to get a perfect score and I am not even close. I just feel like I want to give up and I get sensitive that I think the teacher and students don’t like me and that’s why i am getting bad grades, but it’s really just because I am projecting my anger onto everyone else, and it’s happening every I go. No fun! I can’t wait till I can get this semester over and have a break from all this stress. Where ever I go my ass follows me.
I am happy today because I had something to look forward to. I am getting ready to transfer to PSU and I am going to be studying a subject which I really like and am passionate about; Graphic Design. At the Junior College I loved all my Graphic Design classes and I did very well in them. I guess you could say I was a teacher’s pet and I did the best work that I could. I would get obsessed with the projects and spend endless hours on them. I think I am pretty craetive, but most importantly I have fun doing it. Sometimes my work is better than others but it’s just the ideas that are fun to come up with. I feel like once I get a formal training I will be much more skilled and going to a university might help me mature a little bit and help me get a job while I’m up there.
By the way my family got a new puppy. She is absolutely adorable. But she has show me how much work it is to take care of a puppy and I don’t think I will get a dog unless it’s full grown and it is from the animal rescue place.
Cutest dog ever!
I have been tentatively waiting for a letter to arrive in the mail that says I’ve been accepted to Portland State University, in Oregon State, U. S. A. Yesterday finally I got an email from the school that says I am officially accepted into the college. It turns out that they are considered a green college and they send out their acceptance letters via email as a way to save paper. I like this idea as I am also somebody who likes to live a green life as much as possible and believes in sustainability. I live in a very liberal and hippie/yuppie-like town in Northern California. To say the least I was very excited when I got the information that I was accepted, I didn’t believe in myself that it was possible, even though I had friends and family telling me that it was probable. I guess I need to have more faith in myself and to give myself more credit for all the hard work I’ve been putting into school. I have a grade point average of 3.35 and have been on the Dean’s honor roll for two semesters in a row. I have also received scholarships and awards for excellence in graphic design.
I almost cried when I got the information that I was accepted. The first person I told was my dad and I love to be able to give him some good news. I love to be able to make my parents proud because it has been a rare thing in my life that I have been able to do things to show them that I am a capable person and worthwhile to be supported from them for so long in my life. I mean I am a little bit of a late bloomer considering I will be 36 coming up in a few weeks. I consider myself an adult, returning college student. Which is a humbling experience because most of the students I am in class with are younger than me. But at this point I am holding my pride back because I have nothing to lose, getting an education is on the top of my priority list and I cannot wait for two years to be up to get my bachelor’s degree. I will not let anything get in my way of pursuing my dream. After that I am hoping to get my Master’s Degree.
This is finally my time to shine, yay. I feel like a phoenix rising from the ashes. I have been through so much trouble and tribulations in my young adult life that I deserve to have this great opportunity to go and finish my education. I have spent years in and out of jails and rehabs, lived on and off the streets and just basically a teenage and young adult hoodlum, committing crimes and supporting myself through illegal activities so that I could maintain an addiction to drugs in my life.
Now I am just worried that I have been given this wonderful opportunity that I am nervous that something is going to go wrong and I will not be able to complete this task. But I will take it like I have learned from the AA program “one day at a time, take it easy and this too shall pass.” So I will be also attending AA meetings when I move up there because that is who I consider to be my community, besides school, while I’m up there. And this will be used as a way to not get to get too overwhelmed with everything else that is going to come along with the schooling, transferring, navigating a new city, and new friends. Also I am so lucky that my boyfriend is willing to move up there as well. He has wanted to move up there and so it happens to work out that we are moving in together. Which I am looking forward to having my best friend and lover with me on this new venture.
I feel so lucky to be able to go to a university no matter what my age, and through trials and tribulations in my life, I know I can do this and I deserve to have this opportunity which is a fantastic thing to have. I believe that everybody should have the ability to get an education. Getting an education is critical and very important to further your maturity and ability to support yourself in a viable career. So this is something that I am not going to take for granted. Especially at this stage in my life, I am very serious about becoming a graphic designer and pursuing my education and furthering my career in my life. So thank God I am so grateful I will be going to school, it will just be getting me closer and closer to accomplishing the goals of my life. I am living the dream baby! I think that education is the key to freedom.
Encyclopedia Books (from the olden days)
I am on my way to an AA, Alcoholic Anonymous, meeting today and then I am going to the gym. I have not had any time to go to the gym this week because I have been rigorously studying for my exams, finals and final projects for the end of the semester. I am desperately trying to pull my grades up so that I will get a solid “B” in both classes. Right now I am teetering on the edge of an “D” in one class and that is making me freak out. I have tried to get ahold of the teacher and he is not responding back to me. I will have to just keep bugging him and look like I am desperate because that is what it has come down to. It is really frustrating and I know the teachers are very busy during this time to but I need some extra help too. Which I know they would be so gracious to do if I am persistent and ask nicely. I used to think I wanted to be a college professor but now I am thinking it might just be really hard work.
I am having a really hard time lately. I am spending quite a lot of time cramming for math homework. And trying to teach myself the equations and stuff. God it’s pretty hard work when you are doing it by yourself. I get really stressed out and so I have been going to a lot of AA, Alcoholic Anonymous meetings, because I am trying to ground myself and remember what’s really important in life which is my sobriety and my health. Although getting good grades is pretty high up there on my priority list. I do really miss hanging out with my boyfriend but I think he’s mad at me because I said I needed time to study and then I was going to meetings and blogging instead of studying 24/7.
Alcoholics Anonymous Logo
I have just come to the realization that I am sharing some pretty intimate things on my blog. And friends and family that I know are not being very supportive, they seem to have their own opinion on what they think is safe or not. But as I have researched WordPress I have witnessed people sharing much more in detail about their personal life and some pretty intimate stories which they might not be comfortable sharing with anyone that they know in person. And sometimes it’s nice to get that feedback or a “like” just to know that someone out there in the vast sections of this Internet and hyperlink system, which goes across the world, is able to relate to my small, insignificant little life. Because when it really comes down to it we are only one in billions of people on this planet and who really cares if I share something that might be embarrassing or something that I might think would hurt my “pride” in the real world. So I share whatever I feel like sharing and I don’t mind what people think because I am still getting likes and I wouldn’t mind hearing about the dislikes as well, but there is not a button for that. But I haven’t gotten any real negative comments only positive ones which keep me pushing forward. I feel like I have a lot to say. And it is therapeutic for me to write about what is going on in my life. Maybe one day I will be able to write a book.
I went to my Junior College’s counselor and he was 6 years younger than me. I told him a little about my life story and how I am in recovery, from drugs and alcohol, and that I was a little embarrassed to share that with him. Especially since I went to his office to talk business and how I can successfully transfer to a University. I will have 5 years completely clean and sober on 7/11/17. Originally I had gone into his office to talk about transferring to Portland State University and then we ended up talking about our own personal life struggles. I told him about how I had been addicted to Cocaine and Heroin for almost 15 years, using it intravenously and living off and on the streets, in and out of jail and couch surfing as much as I could. The counselor, Matt, was so kind to me and said he could not believe that I was doing so good now and he had rarely seen people turn their lives around like me. I was surprised when he said that because I thought a lot of people from the Alcoholics Anonymous program that I go to, I have seen those people at school once in awhile.
But he said that was not the case at all. He told me that very few people actually turn their lives around and graduate with honors like I hopefully will after the summer semester. That was nice to hear from someone that I am doing a good job and I am beating the odds. I have known and had a few friends pass away from this horrible addiction. They were much too young to die. This was a huge motivation for me to stop using. If they were alive now I hope that they would be proud of me and that I could be an inspiration for them to get clean and sober too.
I have been feeling upset and stressed out due to the end of the semester exams, projects and finals. Which sometimes makes me feel like just having one beer will help me to calm down and would be like having a party or a celebration for all the hard work I’ve been doing, but do to my alcohol addiction I cannot afford to even tempt myself to think about this so I have been going to more AA, Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and trying to stay grounded. I really have been cramming and studying every chance I get because I feel like it takes me longer than others to learn things sometimes. I have a hard time concentrating and retaining information, especially when it is at a fast pace. I
like to work slowly and not be rushed. So I am doing my best to stay on top of things, yet I am also giving myself some free fun time once a week to have a barbeque or whatever to chill out and relax at the beach. The weather’s’ been beautiful and I am so grateful for my life. I have been doing a lot of praying and trying to stay positive. I am so fortunate and blessed I really have nothing to complain about. I should start writing a gratitude list every night and be thankful schools almost over! Yay!!!
I have applied for Portland State University in Oregon, U.S.A. I am so nervous about whether or not I got accepted. It has been a difficult process in finding out which classes are acceptably transferred out to an out-of-state system because I live in California. Therefore some of the classes that I took at my Junior College might not be applicable to their University standards, meaning I won’t get any credit for them when I get enrolled at PSU. Which is fine with me, I have been taking many classes for more than half of my life at the local junior college here in Sonoma County because I dropped out of regular college when I was 15 and did Independent study instead of going to regular classes at high school I took a variety of classes at the Santa Rosa Junior College and went to my high school once a week to turn in my homework to my Independent Study teacher.
The way I completed High School I feel like I learned a lot more than the regular public school kids did, but the one thing I did miss out was the socialization part. I did still have quite a few friends throughout my high school years but we mostly just hung out on the weekends because at the age of 16 I was already working a part-time job and was going to school at the college and enrolled in my Independent Study Program, so I was pretty busy.
As a result, I was the one of my friends that always had money because I had a job. So we would go to the City, San Francisco, and go to parties and raves and concerts. It was very fun and I felt so carefree at the time. Plus I had an older boyfriend who had a car and was able to drive us around. We went to the beach a lot too and would go camping and stuff like that. At least that’s what we told our parents when we would actually be going to the City and party our asses of all night long. I could go on and on about this but the party never stopped for me and I ended up hanging out with a tougher group of people after high school and started to get into things I shouldn’t have been doing at such a young age, and I stopped going to school. So that is why it has taken me such a long time to get my college degree. But finally by this summer I will have two degrees, one in graphic design and one in humanities. I am really looking forward to it. But most of all I just really want to get accepted by Portland State University. Then after two years I will hopefully get my B.A. and then I will be able to get a job in graphic design. And live in a beautiful place in Northern Oregon.
Some people get Spring Fever, well I don’t, I get Spring Lethargy. I had a math exam last Thursday and I went to school all week but the week before that I had a very bad case of Spring Lethargy. I ended up playing hookie from school and didn’t go to school all week. I was so exhausted and sick and tired of going to school. So basically I just didn’t go. Unfortunately that meant that I missed a lot of practicing for my math exam. So by the time the math class came around I felt like I wasn’t very well prepared for it. I mean I did study at my house but I did not get instruction from the teacher. Yet I really felt like I needed the time off. I had to take a break for myself and my well being.
I was just getting so sick of going to school all the time that I couldn’t muster up the energy to get to class. And yes I do feel guilty about it and I did feel like I was missing out on some important information, but while I was taking the week off from school I was still studying and doing my homework. and I crammed for my math exam. So I really hope I got a passing grade but it was hard trying to teach myself some of the equations and stuff like that. It was a pretty hard test and I feel like I only got half of the answers right. Which means I would get an “F”, because an “F” is 50% of the correct answers. And I would hate to bring my grade down that much because I have been getting “A’s” and “B’s” on all the other exams. And right now I have a high “B” in the class.
I am thinking about scheduling regular appointments with my tutor for the rest of the semester because we will have a cumulative final coming up and that means the exam will be on all the information we learned throughout the semester. I know that one is going to be the one that challenges me the most. But I feel like it’s so hard to stay motivated and on top of my homework towards the end of the semester. I just have to keep myself in check, not miss any more classes and stay on top of my homework.
Right now I’m at my boyfriend’s house and he is practicing playing in the guitar while I right on my blog. Tomorrow we are going to do something different and try going to a non denomination church in the morning. That is going to start at ten so I hope we can get up, get ready and get out of the house by that time, because we said we were going to do that last week but we overslept. So I am hoping we make it tomorrow because I need to get some peace, love and serenity in my busy life right now.
We have also been getting ready to move to Portland, Oregon because I plan on going to school there at Portland State University, and he is coming with me. So I have been working on getting assistance from my tribe because they are offering to help me with rent when I go up there. Which I am greatly looking forward to.
This week I did not go to school. I was feeling a little off and sick but really and basically I just needed some me time. I did accomplish getting my homework done and turned in. Next week I will feel much better. But now at this point I am getting a little stir crazy and want to take this weekend to practice for my math exam and finish up homework for my other class. Sometimes you just need a break right? Maybe I’m getting Spring fever or something.
Although either way I do feel like I missed out by not going to class, I just did not feel up to going. I feel guilty, sad and a little upset with myself. But that will pass as long as I get to class next week and no more absences for the rest of the semester. I enjoy school. I like being around people and I like listening to the lectures. Luckily in my social media class the teacher records all his lecture so all I have to do is download the videos and watch them as if was actually in class. So there I don’t feel like I’m missing too much.
I enjoyed this last week and am feeling my light is shining a little brighter now that I got some rest and relaxation. I can go back to school with an open mind and an open heart. Hopefully this way I will be able to retain the information even more. And I want to keep the two good grades I have in the class.