For the last time I have broken up with my boyfriend!!! His name is Bryan and I thought we were in love. I moved up to Portland and am going to school to get my Bachelor of Science degree in graphic design. He and I had been together for about a year prior to me moving out-of-state and going to school up here in Oregon. I used to live in California and he and I pretty much spent every waking hour together. Little did I know that he was using heroin the whole damn time!
He finally told me the truth before I moved. He was supposed to come up here and live with me, but after he came forward and told me that he had been using and was strung out I told him I could not handle living with him. And I even gave him the chance to come up here and live with me if he could put three solid months together of sobriety time. Yet he did not. His addiction seemed to take a speedy turn into serious addiction whereas now he uses meth now too and shoots as much heroin as he can. He lost his apartment and now lives with his parents. Meaning he occasionally goes home and takes a shower and gets clean clothes and money from his dad to support his habit.
All he does is drugs. He does not work, he is not following the rules of the probation of the law program that he is now on and he has become bitter, nasty, user and an abuser. He is so mean to me sometimes and is constantly accusing me of hooking up with other people. We have tried to remain committed through this time of upheaval in his life. But it is not working and now he says he hates me and accuses me of hooking up and having sex with people all the time when I have been with no one but him in the past 2 to 3 years that we have been together.
So last night he texted me and told me that he hated me and that he knows I hooked up with someone while he was up here visiting me. So I blocked his number. He is crazy and out of control. When he drove up here, out of his way for about a 12 hour drive he left me and ran around with the homeless kids around here, asked a woman to go on a date with him and when he left he took off with $100 dollars of mine and didn’t even say goodbye.
So I blocked his number today and even though it makes me sad that we will not be together anymore. I am relieved that he cannot and will not hurt me anymore. I want him out of my life but it’s so hard because when we were doing good I wanted to marry him and have his children. He is a good person but he is on drugs and when he is high he is not himself. He treats me horribly when he comes up here to visit me and now I am sad because I lost someone who I thought was a good friend to me. Yet he is numb. He doesn’t have any normal feelings because they are all blocked out by all the dope he is on. I hope I can go on without contacting him or having anything to do with him.
I do still love him as a person but I cannot be around him when he is high, which is all the time. I am sad and depressed about it but not talking to him is the only thing I can think of doing. I feel like my heart has been broken so many times by him and I don’t want to hurt anymore. I need to find the strength within myself to let him go. This is really hard. And such a tragic situation. I loved him so much and now he’s gone. I pray that he finds help and gets sober for the well-being of his own life. I feel helpless there’s nothing I can do to help him.
I am nervous about going to school. I am nervous about how the kids will receive me and the teachers. I am nervous about how difficult the classes are going to be and if I’m going to be able to keep up. Usually the classes are pretty difficult and then you have to take the homework with you when you go home.
I hope I will make it through this new quarter. I will pray for the strength and try to get support through friends and meetings and family.
I’m really not looking forward to this intake appointment for my drug treatment program tomorrow. My doctor is ordering me to go to it because I relapsed over the Christmas break. It was pretty bad although I have to admit I did have fun even though I couldn’t remember the plane ride home and hanging out with my friends was honestly a blur so I did over do it I have to admit I don’t want to do that again so I am reluctantly going to go to this program so that I can continue to get my treatment from my doctor and my counselor.
I think it’s kind of unfair that they are sending me against my will to this program and that it is a big hassle because I live in the city and the hospital I have to go to to receive the treatment program is about 5 1/2 miles away. I don’t know how I’m going to get there and I know it’s going to be expensive just to get a ride there.
Maybe I will learn something new. I know I will meet some new people I just have to hang out with the people that want to get clean and stay clean and the people who are chasing their sobriety like I am instead of chasing drugs and alcohol. I have had a problem with drugs and alcohol for more than half my life and I do not want to do this anymore. I want to get healthy and happy I am too old for this and I do not want to repeat the same problems that I have in the past especially with so much on the line like being enrolled in a university and having to pay for my apartment and everything else that is financially hanging over my head. I do not want to let my family down or my friends cuz they are vouching for me and I need to keep in contact with those who love me and care about me not those who are going to bring me down.
I am getting ready for school at Portland State University. I have signed up for all my classes and all my other programs that I am supposed to be signed up for. I have to sign up for an outpatient program which I am not happy about but my doctor is suggesting it as far as he will not continue my treatment if I do not comply with his wishes and take this program seriously. The program is an intensive treatment where it is 3 days a week for 3 hours each day, wow, it is unbelievable what I have to do for my medications and my continued well-being. Thank God it is covered by insurance and it will help to give me a strong foundation in my sobriety at least that is what I am hoping for and what the goal is.
The only thing is I had to move all my classes to Tuesday and Thursday so I will be going to school for like 8 to 9 hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays and school is harder than a full-time job so I hope to use my Mondays and Wednesdays wisely and do my homework on those days instead of messing around and taking relaxation time because that’s what I sometimes tend to do when I have free time and don’t have a fixed schedule where anybody is watching over me and what I am doing is up to me sometimes I get distracted and do what I want.
I miss my friends and my family already and I would love to see them come up here especially my boyfriend Bryan. He is so dear to me and I want him to come up here and live with me. It would make it so much more fun to be up here and that was what our original plan was but somehow it got altered and didn’t work out. Maybe later we can try it out again and see how it works there are some kinks in the situation but hopefully they will gets moved out and things will work in our benefit. I see us having a beautiful life together and would love to wake up to him everyday and go to sleep with him every night.
There are definitely a lot of things to do while I wait for my summer class to start. I have been waiting and preparing to move up north to go to a university in the fall. Since I have never been to a university I am feeling a lot of trepidation about going. But I believe it will be a fun experience and nice to live in a big beautiful city. I have visited Portland a few times and I really loves the city. Most of the months out of the year it is rainy and cold but I like that kind of weather and I hope I can be prepared to live there with enough rain equipment and stuff to stay warm when it gets cold.
My boyfriend is now busy working full time and is unavailable for most of the day so I miss him but he is saving money up for when we move which is a good idea. One thing I am worried about is paying bills because I am worried that I will not be able to afford to bring my car up there because my car insurance is so expensive.
Also I am wondering how my JC classes will transfer to the school because I would like to go for the Bachelor’s of Science as opposed to the Bachelor’s of Arts. I heard from the Dean of the Graphic Design Department that the more artsy classes lead to a BA whereas the BS degree are the more technical classes and will be using more of the computer for doing graphic design. So I am hoping that when I go to school I will hopefully be using the computer more than doing the hands on art and cut and paste classes.
Portland , Oregon
I have been enjoying my summer break from school so much. Not to mention I have actually been following through with the things I said that I wanted to do, like going to the gym and going to more AA (alcoholics anonymous) meetings. Plus I’ve been getting to hang out and spend the night at my boyfriend’s house more often. At first I thought that he and I would get sick of each other, but we haven’t. We have spent every night together for about a week and I am just absolutely loving it. I can’t wait till he and I move in with each other when we move to Portland, Oregon.
Today I have already been to the gym this morning and in a few minutes I am headed to an AA meeting in the town I live in. Then after the meeting I am going out to coffee with a friend from the meeting. I hope to discuss with him how to improve my credit score because he is a former credit counselor and he will know a lot more about repairing bad credit than I will. I am 36 years old and I happened to ruin my credit score when I was younger and took advantage of credit cards and buying cell phones using my credit while I was still in my addiction.
I was worried that I was not going to have enough things to do while I was on summer break but I have to work on getting ready for the move to Portland and I also have to work on getting some scholarships and other school financial aid assistance. Since I will not be working while I will be going to school full time I am trying to get as much help as I can. Fortunately I did well and got good grades while I was at the Junior College that I was able to get a letter of recommendation from one of my former teachers for a scholarship
Siletz, Tribal Logo
and I feel very grateful for that. I am also working with my Native American Indian tribe which is going to help me with the tuition for school. I am so thankful for my background and my heritage knowing that I am part Native American has never been as beneficial as it is to me right now.
I’m free! Yesterday was my last college course for the spring semester. I’ve taken all my finals and gone to all my classes. Now I have three weeks until my summer class starts. I think I did well in my classes. I struggled through my math class but overall I think I came out with “B’s” in both of my classes. If not “B’s” then I came out with high “C’s” which would be a slight bit of disappointment, but it’s more important that I passed my math class. I’m just so glad I’m done with them and that I completed them to the best of my ability. I will never have to take another math class again unless I decide to try to get a college degree at a California State college. So I’m grateful that I am going to a class which is out-of-state, in Portland, Oregon. I am looking forward with trepidation to see what my final grades will be. I had a hard time with the math final, which might bring my grade down a bit but other than that I did well on all the exams and homework.
Now I can look forward to doing some fun things in the summer. For example, next week I will be going to a wedding with my boyfriend and his family. I might go on a rafting trip and I’d like to go backpacking in the Sierra Mountains with my boyfriend and my family. Plus I would like to start going to more AA meetings and going to the gym more often. Which I will be able to do since I will have more time on my hands.
Today is my birthday. I am feeling “old” because I am turning 36 which seems old to me. I never thought that it would take me this long to get my education but I consider myself a returning adult at college. I don’t like to admit it, but I feel old because I lost a lot of years when I was in my addiction. I actively was using for about fifteen years of my life. During that time I struggled to go to school and keep a job. My younger brother already has his Bachelor’s degree and he is ten years younger than me. So sometimes it’s kind of embarrassing to admit how old I am when I am talking about going to college, but getting my degree is something I have always been very passionate about. And I will hopefully never let drugs and alcohol get in the way of that again.