I am nervous about going to school. I am nervous about how the kids will receive me and the teachers. I am nervous about how difficult the classes are going to be and if I’m going to be able to keep up. Usually the classes are pretty difficult and then you have to take the homework with you when you go home.
I hope I will make it through this new quarter. I will pray for the strength and try to get support through friends and meetings and family.
I’m really not looking forward to this intake appointment for my drug treatment program tomorrow. My doctor is ordering me to go to it because I relapsed over the Christmas break. It was pretty bad although I have to admit I did have fun even though I couldn’t remember the plane ride home and hanging out with my friends was honestly a blur so I did over do it I have to admit I don’t want to do that again so I am reluctantly going to go to this program so that I can continue to get my treatment from my doctor and my counselor.
I think it’s kind of unfair that they are sending me against my will to this program and that it is a big hassle because I live in the city and the hospital I have to go to to receive the treatment program is about 5 1/2 miles away. I don’t know how I’m going to get there and I know it’s going to be expensive just to get a ride there.
Maybe I will learn something new. I know I will meet some new people I just have to hang out with the people that want to get clean and stay clean and the people who are chasing their sobriety like I am instead of chasing drugs and alcohol. I have had a problem with drugs and alcohol for more than half my life and I do not want to do this anymore. I want to get healthy and happy I am too old for this and I do not want to repeat the same problems that I have in the past especially with so much on the line like being enrolled in a university and having to pay for my apartment and everything else that is financially hanging over my head. I do not want to let my family down or my friends cuz they are vouching for me and I need to keep in contact with those who love me and care about me not those who are going to bring me down.
I am getting ready for school at Portland State University. I have signed up for all my classes and all my other programs that I am supposed to be signed up for. I have to sign up for an outpatient program which I am not happy about but my doctor is suggesting it as far as he will not continue my treatment if I do not comply with his wishes and take this program seriously. The program is an intensive treatment where it is 3 days a week for 3 hours each day, wow, it is unbelievable what I have to do for my medications and my continued well-being. Thank God it is covered by insurance and it will help to give me a strong foundation in my sobriety at least that is what I am hoping for and what the goal is.
The only thing is I had to move all my classes to Tuesday and Thursday so I will be going to school for like 8 to 9 hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays and school is harder than a full-time job so I hope to use my Mondays and Wednesdays wisely and do my homework on those days instead of messing around and taking relaxation time because that’s what I sometimes tend to do when I have free time and don’t have a fixed schedule where anybody is watching over me and what I am doing is up to me sometimes I get distracted and do what I want.
I miss my friends and my family already and I would love to see them come up here especially my boyfriend Bryan. He is so dear to me and I want him to come up here and live with me. It would make it so much more fun to be up here and that was what our original plan was but somehow it got altered and didn’t work out. Maybe later we can try it out again and see how it works there are some kinks in the situation but hopefully they will gets moved out and things will work in our benefit. I see us having a beautiful life together and would love to wake up to him everyday and go to sleep with him every night.
I usually don’t enjoy Monday’s, the start of the workweek, back on the grind. But today I was kind of looking forward to it. I have written long list of things for me to do for today and I like to stay busy, especially when it’s something exciting like going to a University and moving out of state to pursue my dreams and goals. I have been complaining about things to much and I realized looking back on these blogs that I am very self-critical and am always try to be perfect and can always find something about myself that I don’t like and then I zoom in and focus on that one thing about myself that I get obsessed with it and it can totally take me over and swing my mood to a depressive state like seriously take over my mind which then affects my mood. And I don’t like that about myself. I mean there’s a fine line between trying to be a better person but no one is perfect and no one ever will be. I was reading a book last night and the author was talking about how the only humans who are truly
Save The Salmon. “If we could see it through their eyes.”
living perfect and truthful lives without any clutter of the mind or living a lie are babies and infants. They have to be taught how to be cynical and angry and hateful. These are all learned behaviors that we pick up along the way for one reason or another we are conditioned to look at the flaws in life and think about ourselves or other people badly.
I know that when I find myself judging people I usually am not feeling good about myself, or if I am getting impatient or road rage in the car then I am not feeling good about myself. It’s weird because after I go to an AA meeting I usually am a much nicer driver and let people go in front of me and don’t drive around like a crazy person. So I apologize for anyone who’s read this blog and has had to read my complaints, it’s kind of embarrassing and I have no excuse other than the fact that I am stressed out about my schoolwork and it’s because I want to get a perfect score and I am not even close. I just feel like I want to give up and I get sensitive that I think the teacher and students don’t like me and that’s why i am getting bad grades, but it’s really just because I am projecting my anger onto everyone else, and it’s happening every I go. No fun! I can’t wait till I can get this semester over and have a break from all this stress. Where ever I go my ass follows me.
I am happy today because I had something to look forward to. I am getting ready to transfer to PSU and I am going to be studying a subject which I really like and am passionate about; Graphic Design. At the Junior College I loved all my Graphic Design classes and I did very well in them. I guess you could say I was a teacher’s pet and I did the best work that I could. I would get obsessed with the projects and spend endless hours on them. I think I am pretty craetive, but most importantly I have fun doing it. Sometimes my work is better than others but it’s just the ideas that are fun to come up with. I feel like once I get a formal training I will be much more skilled and going to a university might help me mature a little bit and help me get a job while I’m up there.
By the way my family got a new puppy. She is absolutely adorable. But she has show me how much work it is to take care of a puppy and I don’t think I will get a dog unless it’s full grown and it is from the animal rescue place.
Cutest dog ever!
I have just come to the realization that I am sharing some pretty intimate things on my blog. And friends and family that I know are not being very supportive, they seem to have their own opinion on what they think is safe or not. But as I have researched WordPress I have witnessed people sharing much more in detail about their personal life and some pretty intimate stories which they might not be comfortable sharing with anyone that they know in person. And sometimes it’s nice to get that feedback or a “like” just to know that someone out there in the vast sections of this Internet and hyperlink system, which goes across the world, is able to relate to my small, insignificant little life. Because when it really comes down to it we are only one in billions of people on this planet and who really cares if I share something that might be embarrassing or something that I might think would hurt my “pride” in the real world. So I share whatever I feel like sharing and I don’t mind what people think because I am still getting likes and I wouldn’t mind hearing about the dislikes as well, but there is not a button for that. But I haven’t gotten any real negative comments only positive ones which keep me pushing forward. I feel like I have a lot to say. And it is therapeutic for me to write about what is going on in my life. Maybe one day I will be able to write a book.
I went to my Junior College’s counselor and he was 6 years younger than me. I told him a little about my life story and how I am in recovery, from drugs and alcohol, and that I was a little embarrassed to share that with him. Especially since I went to his office to talk business and how I can successfully transfer to a University. I will have 5 years completely clean and sober on 7/11/17. Originally I had gone into his office to talk about transferring to Portland State University and then we ended up talking about our own personal life struggles. I told him about how I had been addicted to Cocaine and Heroin for almost 15 years, using it intravenously and living off and on the streets, in and out of jail and couch surfing as much as I could. The counselor, Matt, was so kind to me and said he could not believe that I was doing so good now and he had rarely seen people turn their lives around like me. I was surprised when he said that because I thought a lot of people from the Alcoholics Anonymous program that I go to, I have seen those people at school once in awhile.
But he said that was not the case at all. He told me that very few people actually turn their lives around and graduate with honors like I hopefully will after the summer semester. That was nice to hear from someone that I am doing a good job and I am beating the odds. I have known and had a few friends pass away from this horrible addiction. They were much too young to die. This was a huge motivation for me to stop using. If they were alive now I hope that they would be proud of me and that I could be an inspiration for them to get clean and sober too.
I have been feeling upset and stressed out due to the end of the semester exams, projects and finals. Which sometimes makes me feel like just having one beer will help me to calm down and would be like having a party or a celebration for all the hard work I’ve been doing, but do to my alcohol addiction I cannot afford to even tempt myself to think about this so I have been going to more AA, Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and trying to stay grounded. I really have been cramming and studying every chance I get because I feel like it takes me longer than others to learn things sometimes. I have a hard time concentrating and retaining information, especially when it is at a fast pace. I
like to work slowly and not be rushed. So I am doing my best to stay on top of things, yet I am also giving myself some free fun time once a week to have a barbeque or whatever to chill out and relax at the beach. The weather’s’ been beautiful and I am so grateful for my life. I have been doing a lot of praying and trying to stay positive. I am so fortunate and blessed I really have nothing to complain about. I should start writing a gratitude list every night and be thankful schools almost over! Yay!!!
This week I did not go to school. I was feeling a little off and sick but really and basically I just needed some me time. I did accomplish getting my homework done and turned in. Next week I will feel much better. But now at this point I am getting a little stir crazy and want to take this weekend to practice for my math exam and finish up homework for my other class. Sometimes you just need a break right? Maybe I’m getting Spring fever or something.
Although either way I do feel like I missed out by not going to class, I just did not feel up to going. I feel guilty, sad and a little upset with myself. But that will pass as long as I get to class next week and no more absences for the rest of the semester. I enjoy school. I like being around people and I like listening to the lectures. Luckily in my social media class the teacher records all his lecture so all I have to do is download the videos and watch them as if was actually in class. So there I don’t feel like I’m missing too much.
I enjoyed this last week and am feeling my light is shining a little brighter now that I got some rest and relaxation. I can go back to school with an open mind and an open heart. Hopefully this way I will be able to retain the information even more. And I want to keep the two good grades I have in the class.
I have applied for Portland State University for this coming Fall semester and I am crossing my fingers that I get accepted. It is the only college that I have applied to and I hope that I get accepted because I am pretty much planning on going. I’ve just sent off my transcripts yesterday and I hope that since it’s an relatively easy college to get into that I will be able to get into it. PSU is located in Portland, Oregon, where it rains all the time and where it’s beautiful and green. It is a metropolis of liberal-minded people just like a larger version of where I live right now. I’ve visited there a couple of times and I think I would very much like to live there. The public transportation is very good and the people are cool. It is a bicycle friendly city. And I hope to live close enough to the downtown area so that I can just ride my bike to school.
Portland Sate University, Campus
It will be out of the state that I live in now so it will be a big move for me. I have never moved that far away from my family before, but it is only about one hour away on a plane, 12-hours i9n the car. Which will be nice if they choose to come and visit me. What I wish is that they will someday choose to move up there permanently and live close to me and my new roots which I would like to settle down up there in Portland, because it is less expensive and it’s beautiful. It would be much cheaper to buy a house than it would here in California. Unless I decide to I could always come back down here, but with the drought and everything I’m not sure.
I would love to get married to my boyfriend and buy a house and start a family somewhere where we could afford a comfortable living. And it’s just so expensive in California, I’m not sure if we would have the same opportunities as we would in Oregon. Especially since I am Native American and my tribe is up there and they would offer me special deals on buying a house for my first time if I needed it I believe. I’m not sure if I would have to live in Oregon to qualify but it might help.
I know that going to school up there will be nice because the tribe will help me with scholarships and housing. Which they would also do in other states but I’m not sure if I would get the same treatment. Like I will probably be able to claim residency if I am in Oregon as my tribe is based in Oregon. For that I feel very fortunate because out of state is very expensive. And I feel very lucky to be part Native American except for the fact that I have no real relatives on my mom’s Native side because of the displacement of our people. So I hope everything goes well and I will just have to take it one step at a time. First I will get my education and then I will move on from there. That will take two years. And that will be my priority for the next two years. After that we’ll see where it goes from there.
Siletz Tribal Lands