I usually don’t enjoy Monday’s, the start of the workweek, back on the grind. But today I was kind of looking forward to it. I have written long list of things for me to do for today and I like to stay busy, especially when it’s something exciting like going to a University and moving out of state to pursue my dreams and goals. I have been complaining about things to much and I realized looking back on these blogs that I am very self-critical and am always try to be perfect and can always find something about myself that I don’t like and then I zoom in and focus on that one thing about myself that I get obsessed with it and it can totally take me over and swing my mood to a depressive state like seriously take over my mind which then affects my mood. And I don’t like that about myself. I mean there’s a fine line between trying to be a better person but no one is perfect and no one ever will be. I was reading a book last night and the author was talking about how the only humans who are truly
Save The Salmon. “If we could see it through their eyes.”
living perfect and truthful lives without any clutter of the mind or living a lie are babies and infants. They have to be taught how to be cynical and angry and hateful. These are all learned behaviors that we pick up along the way for one reason or another we are conditioned to look at the flaws in life and think about ourselves or other people badly.
I know that when I find myself judging people I usually am not feeling good about myself, or if I am getting impatient or road rage in the car then I am not feeling good about myself. It’s weird because after I go to an AA meeting I usually am a much nicer driver and let people go in front of me and don’t drive around like a crazy person. So I apologize for anyone who’s read this blog and has had to read my complaints, it’s kind of embarrassing and I have no excuse other than the fact that I am stressed out about my schoolwork and it’s because I want to get a perfect score and I am not even close. I just feel like I want to give up and I get sensitive that I think the teacher and students don’t like me and that’s why i am getting bad grades, but it’s really just because I am projecting my anger onto everyone else, and it’s happening every I go. No fun! I can’t wait till I can get this semester over and have a break from all this stress. Where ever I go my ass follows me.
I am happy today because I had something to look forward to. I am getting ready to transfer to PSU and I am going to be studying a subject which I really like and am passionate about; Graphic Design. At the Junior College I loved all my Graphic Design classes and I did very well in them. I guess you could say I was a teacher’s pet and I did the best work that I could. I would get obsessed with the projects and spend endless hours on them. I think I am pretty craetive, but most importantly I have fun doing it. Sometimes my work is better than others but it’s just the ideas that are fun to come up with. I feel like once I get a formal training I will be much more skilled and going to a university might help me mature a little bit and help me get a job while I’m up there.
By the way my family got a new puppy. She is absolutely adorable. But she has show me how much work it is to take care of a puppy and I don’t think I will get a dog unless it’s full grown and it is from the animal rescue place.
Cutest dog ever!
I have just come to the realization that I am sharing some pretty intimate things on my blog. And friends and family that I know are not being very supportive, they seem to have their own opinion on what they think is safe or not. But as I have researched WordPress I have witnessed people sharing much more in detail about their personal life and some pretty intimate stories which they might not be comfortable sharing with anyone that they know in person. And sometimes it’s nice to get that feedback or a “like” just to know that someone out there in the vast sections of this Internet and hyperlink system, which goes across the world, is able to relate to my small, insignificant little life. Because when it really comes down to it we are only one in billions of people on this planet and who really cares if I share something that might be embarrassing or something that I might think would hurt my “pride” in the real world. So I share whatever I feel like sharing and I don’t mind what people think because I am still getting likes and I wouldn’t mind hearing about the dislikes as well, but there is not a button for that. But I haven’t gotten any real negative comments only positive ones which keep me pushing forward. I feel like I have a lot to say. And it is therapeutic for me to write about what is going on in my life. Maybe one day I will be able to write a book.
I went to my Junior College’s counselor and he was 6 years younger than me. I told him a little about my life story and how I am in recovery, from drugs and alcohol, and that I was a little embarrassed to share that with him. Especially since I went to his office to talk business and how I can successfully transfer to a University. I will have 5 years completely clean and sober on 7/11/17. Originally I had gone into his office to talk about transferring to Portland State University and then we ended up talking about our own personal life struggles. I told him about how I had been addicted to Cocaine and Heroin for almost 15 years, using it intravenously and living off and on the streets, in and out of jail and couch surfing as much as I could. The counselor, Matt, was so kind to me and said he could not believe that I was doing so good now and he had rarely seen people turn their lives around like me. I was surprised when he said that because I thought a lot of people from the Alcoholics Anonymous program that I go to, I have seen those people at school once in awhile.
But he said that was not the case at all. He told me that very few people actually turn their lives around and graduate with honors like I hopefully will after the summer semester. That was nice to hear from someone that I am doing a good job and I am beating the odds. I have known and had a few friends pass away from this horrible addiction. They were much too young to die. This was a huge motivation for me to stop using. If they were alive now I hope that they would be proud of me and that I could be an inspiration for them to get clean and sober too.
I have been feeling upset and stressed out due to the end of the semester exams, projects and finals. Which sometimes makes me feel like just having one beer will help me to calm down and would be like having a party or a celebration for all the hard work I’ve been doing, but do to my alcohol addiction I cannot afford to even tempt myself to think about this so I have been going to more AA, Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and trying to stay grounded. I really have been cramming and studying every chance I get because I feel like it takes me longer than others to learn things sometimes. I have a hard time concentrating and retaining information, especially when it is at a fast pace. I
like to work slowly and not be rushed. So I am doing my best to stay on top of things, yet I am also giving myself some free fun time once a week to have a barbeque or whatever to chill out and relax at the beach. The weather’s’ been beautiful and I am so grateful for my life. I have been doing a lot of praying and trying to stay positive. I am so fortunate and blessed I really have nothing to complain about. I should start writing a gratitude list every night and be thankful schools almost over! Yay!!!
This week I did not go to school. I was feeling a little off and sick but really and basically I just needed some me time. I did accomplish getting my homework done and turned in. Next week I will feel much better. But now at this point I am getting a little stir crazy and want to take this weekend to practice for my math exam and finish up homework for my other class. Sometimes you just need a break right? Maybe I’m getting Spring fever or something.
Although either way I do feel like I missed out by not going to class, I just did not feel up to going. I feel guilty, sad and a little upset with myself. But that will pass as long as I get to class next week and no more absences for the rest of the semester. I enjoy school. I like being around people and I like listening to the lectures. Luckily in my social media class the teacher records all his lecture so all I have to do is download the videos and watch them as if was actually in class. So there I don’t feel like I’m missing too much.
I enjoyed this last week and am feeling my light is shining a little brighter now that I got some rest and relaxation. I can go back to school with an open mind and an open heart. Hopefully this way I will be able to retain the information even more. And I want to keep the two good grades I have in the class.
I have applied for Portland State University for this coming Fall semester and I am crossing my fingers that I get accepted. It is the only college that I have applied to and I hope that I get accepted because I am pretty much planning on going. I’ve just sent off my transcripts yesterday and I hope that since it’s an relatively easy college to get into that I will be able to get into it. PSU is located in Portland, Oregon, where it rains all the time and where it’s beautiful and green. It is a metropolis of liberal-minded people just like a larger version of where I live right now. I’ve visited there a couple of times and I think I would very much like to live there. The public transportation is very good and the people are cool. It is a bicycle friendly city. And I hope to live close enough to the downtown area so that I can just ride my bike to school.
Portland Sate University, Campus
It will be out of the state that I live in now so it will be a big move for me. I have never moved that far away from my family before, but it is only about one hour away on a plane, 12-hours i9n the car. Which will be nice if they choose to come and visit me. What I wish is that they will someday choose to move up there permanently and live close to me and my new roots which I would like to settle down up there in Portland, because it is less expensive and it’s beautiful. It would be much cheaper to buy a house than it would here in California. Unless I decide to I could always come back down here, but with the drought and everything I’m not sure.
I would love to get married to my boyfriend and buy a house and start a family somewhere where we could afford a comfortable living. And it’s just so expensive in California, I’m not sure if we would have the same opportunities as we would in Oregon. Especially since I am Native American and my tribe is up there and they would offer me special deals on buying a house for my first time if I needed it I believe. I’m not sure if I would have to live in Oregon to qualify but it might help.
I know that going to school up there will be nice because the tribe will help me with scholarships and housing. Which they would also do in other states but I’m not sure if I would get the same treatment. Like I will probably be able to claim residency if I am in Oregon as my tribe is based in Oregon. For that I feel very fortunate because out of state is very expensive. And I feel very lucky to be part Native American except for the fact that I have no real relatives on my mom’s Native side because of the displacement of our people. So I hope everything goes well and I will just have to take it one step at a time. First I will get my education and then I will move on from there. That will take two years. And that will be my priority for the next two years. After that we’ll see where it goes from there.
Siletz Tribal Lands
I felt pretty tired today after class was over because I went to school last night and then spent the night unknowingly at my boyfriend’s house and stayed up until 4:30 A.M. last night or should I say this morning. He had to go to work this morning so we woke up at 7;00 A.M. Then I had to go to school this morning at 11 A.M. So I had a little bit of time to take a nap but not much time for studying.
This usually happens on Monday nights because we both have class at the same time so we meet up after class and then hang out until the wee hours of the night. Before we know it half the night has gone by. But it is always worth it and I enjoy spending this time with him. I feel bad for him that he has to go work like this all day long when I only have a two hour class to go to and then some regular errands to run. So I get to come home and take a nap while he’s still at work working. But I guess he realizes that when he is up all night with me that he is going to be sacrificing a tiring day at work.
I am looking forward to my day off from school tomorrow where I will probably need to start job hunting as my mom told me the other day that money doesn’t grow on trees and she’s sick and tired of giving me so much money. I don’t know what she’s talking about other than the fact that I just went snowboarding once in a year and she only gave me $50 bucks, and then she gave me $30 to pay for my meds today at the pharmacy. It’s like what else am I supposed to do? Beg for the money on the street? I’ve had to do stuff like that before in my life and it wasn’t very fun. I will never go back to begging for money again I hope. Which is why I am trying to get my education and the get a job. But I am finding I could probably work while I go to school for a while.
Either way it’s stressing me out and I need to do something because I’m so tires of being broke all the time it’s not fun and I never have money to buy anything for myself. So I guess it’s time to look for work.
I went to the gym today with my mom. Moping to do out weekly ritual of going to the steam and sauna but the steam room was out of order so that was a bummer. So instead we worked out for an hour and went home. I am now watching the Walking Dead Marathon because the season finale is on tonight. I do not really feel like writing that much tonight as I am watching a movie and TV right now and feel like relaxing.
We arrived at about 9A.M. at Boreal (ski resort) at there weren’t too many people in the parking lot when we got there so we figured there wouldn’t be that many people on the slopes either and we were right. There was only a few people on the icy slopes. So we get out of the car and the wind is blowing so hard we are trying to change in the car and the doors keep wanting to slam shut on the car because the wind is blowing so hard. Plus it is fricking freezing cold. Not a good combination when you’re trying to go down the slopes.
Next we get in line to get out life tickets and my boyfriend, Bryan, needed to rent skis, boots and poles. The line was really long but the rental equipment wasn’t too busy so we moved through there pretty quickly. The cashier at the life ticket station told us that half of the mountain was closed. And I thought oh my god why did we even come here there’s only like three lifts open. And not to mention but that other side of the mountain is the best park of the whole resort. So to say the least I was a little bit disappointed.
So we get into the line for the bunny slopes just to practice. My boyfriend wanted to test out the skis he rented and I wanted to test out my skills and boy let me tell you I felt so out of practice. I felt like a duck out of water. I needed to get a longer run in so that I could get more practice in. But they didn’t have the big lift open yet unless you choose to go down the middle where all the jumps are and everything. So we went and took a break after the bunny slopes and a couple of times on the medium lift and had lunch.
Snowy Mountains, Tahoe, CA.
We walked back the slopes after lunch and they opened one more lift to the top of the mountain (those cheap bastards of a resort) and so we were about to get in this ridiculously huge line. But turned around and decide to call it a day. It was just to frustrating for me. Plus the snow had already turned into ice and it was so windy we had to buy face masks. I was just really grumpy about the whole thing when I found out they had only three lifts in operation. They were too cheap to open up all the lifts so we missed out on the best part of the mountain and had no good runs to go down. So we called it a day and decided to go home and beat the traffic. We learned for next time that we will have to shell out more than $15 for a lift ticket to get to some better lifts and mountains. I can’t wait for next season. Hopefully I will be living in Portland, Oregon where the mountains are only an hour away. I could get more practice in.