I have just broken up with my boyfriend and in turn lost my best friend. It’s hot outside and I feel like I’m 30-pounds overweight. I am not doing very well in my Ancient Art class and I am really worried about the midterm in the class. I am not clear on what we are supposed to write about and I have a terrible time remembering the flashcards that he gives us every week. I feel like I have no friends and I am really lonely here at school. It’s probably because I am a lot older than a lot of the other people who go to school here.
I don’t know what to do about my depression other than starting to get more involved with AA meetings again and I would also like to start going to the student recreation center as well. During summer break I will continue living here on campus and I would like to have a job by then. Not only to make some money but to also make some friends and meet some new people. There is a possibility that I have an interview at Greenpeace, which is a cause that I would like to support and it might look good on my resume.
Well I am determined to change something because my lifestyle is not working for me currently and I need some emotional support and to meet a group of people who I can bond with. I’m getting burnt out at school and am struggling to keep my grades up. I have to start writing down on my calendar what extra-credit projects I can work on and get those things out-of-the-way, so I can ensure myself that I will get better grades in my classes. Right now I have two “A’s” and one “D.” I am very scared to get put on Academic Probation because that might mean I will lose my financial aid.
An Example of Logarithms
I am pretty much gonna say this math exam was a toss up and that I pretty much got an “F”. Which calculates into getting half of the questions right. It was super difficult for me. Right now we are studying logarithms which is the last part of my algebra class and I have to admit that I have no idea what is going on. To me it seems like a lot of the other students also did not know what to do too. Which to me means the teacher is not teaching us very good.
I am not going to continue to complain about the teacher but I have to admit I do have some personal issues about her teaching methods. This is one of the reasons I have a tutor, but with the tutor it is still hard for me to learn how to do the logarithms. I am hoping that by next Monday when I see my tutor again that I will have a better handle on this. I can’t wait for school to be over The last final I will have will be on May 23rd, which is a day before my birthday.
Today my boyfriend and I went shopping for my early birthday present and he bought me a really nice vaporizer. Which you can read and see more on my other site “sonomacountyvaping“. It is a machine that you use to smoke a liquid juice that has nicotine in it which can help you to stop smoking. It is a nice vape and it was expensive. I am so happy and satisfied with it that I will be using it all the time.
I am trying to get along better with my family and have them not get mad at me, but for some reason they all seem to be pissed off at me for no reason, especially my dad and my brother. My mom is nice to in front of my face. But I think that is because I am trying to help clean up around the house a little bit. Like washing and putting away the dishes, folding their clothes and putting them away in their room. And basically just trying to stay out of their way. We will see how it goes but that’s pretty much all I can do at the moment I don’t know how else I can help out around the house. I think my dad is just generally upset right now because he is not getting much business for his architect firm and my poor brother is just sick of living here at the house and having nothing better to do than go bicycling. He is training to go pro. I can understand what they are going through so I am just going to try to be nice to everyone and not get upset or act mean to anyone. I will not be mean to them even if they are nasty or mean back to me.
I usually don’t enjoy Monday’s, the start of the workweek, back on the grind. But today I was kind of looking forward to it. I have written long list of things for me to do for today and I like to stay busy, especially when it’s something exciting like going to a University and moving out of state to pursue my dreams and goals. I have been complaining about things to much and I realized looking back on these blogs that I am very self-critical and am always try to be perfect and can always find something about myself that I don’t like and then I zoom in and focus on that one thing about myself that I get obsessed with it and it can totally take me over and swing my mood to a depressive state like seriously take over my mind which then affects my mood. And I don’t like that about myself. I mean there’s a fine line between trying to be a better person but no one is perfect and no one ever will be. I was reading a book last night and the author was talking about how the only humans who are truly
Save The Salmon. “If we could see it through their eyes.”
living perfect and truthful lives without any clutter of the mind or living a lie are babies and infants. They have to be taught how to be cynical and angry and hateful. These are all learned behaviors that we pick up along the way for one reason or another we are conditioned to look at the flaws in life and think about ourselves or other people badly.
I know that when I find myself judging people I usually am not feeling good about myself, or if I am getting impatient or road rage in the car then I am not feeling good about myself. It’s weird because after I go to an AA meeting I usually am a much nicer driver and let people go in front of me and don’t drive around like a crazy person. So I apologize for anyone who’s read this blog and has had to read my complaints, it’s kind of embarrassing and I have no excuse other than the fact that I am stressed out about my schoolwork and it’s because I want to get a perfect score and I am not even close. I just feel like I want to give up and I get sensitive that I think the teacher and students don’t like me and that’s why i am getting bad grades, but it’s really just because I am projecting my anger onto everyone else, and it’s happening every I go. No fun! I can’t wait till I can get this semester over and have a break from all this stress. Where ever I go my ass follows me.
I am happy today because I had something to look forward to. I am getting ready to transfer to PSU and I am going to be studying a subject which I really like and am passionate about; Graphic Design. At the Junior College I loved all my Graphic Design classes and I did very well in them. I guess you could say I was a teacher’s pet and I did the best work that I could. I would get obsessed with the projects and spend endless hours on them. I think I am pretty craetive, but most importantly I have fun doing it. Sometimes my work is better than others but it’s just the ideas that are fun to come up with. I feel like once I get a formal training I will be much more skilled and going to a university might help me mature a little bit and help me get a job while I’m up there.
By the way my family got a new puppy. She is absolutely adorable. But she has show me how much work it is to take care of a puppy and I don’t think I will get a dog unless it’s full grown and it is from the animal rescue place.
Cutest dog ever!
Today was the dreaded math exam. The one where the teacher is the dean, professor of the math department. So I really wanted to show off to her that I could get a good grade because she’s always breathing down the back of my neck.
And yay, it wasn’t that hard! It was a two-part exam with about twenty questions. I’m pretty sure I got a “B” if not an “A” which would be even better. I did spend a lot of extra time studying and felt pretty confident on every problem. So at least I know I’m getting a passing grade. Whew, what a relief. I don’t know why I psych myself out so much for these things, but maybe it’s just cause I’m high strung. I tend to get nervous in high stress situations.
Well I’m glad it’s over with because now it’s Springs break. Woo hoo! No homework or schoolwork for a week. Yay. I think I’m going to go snowboarding for a treat next Friday. Swoosh, catching some air, bomb the hills and float on some pow-pow, woo hoo.
Catching air, weeyaah!!!
I started this blog to share random things that I experience and thoughts that I have.
Today I studied for my math exam. My teacher is really strict as she is the dean of the math department. I feel her eyes glaring at me everytime I walk into that class late as I usually do because I have a problem with arriving to places on time. Especially places I hate going to.
She walks around the class looking at our work and I feel dumb when I don’t know the answers which is usually the case because I have hard time understanding at the fast pace that she teaches at. I wonder if she dislikes me when she asks me in front of the other classmates, “Bel did you turn your homework in?” Of course I turned my homework in otherwise I probably wouldn’t be in class.
She seems to have fun embarrassing us, plus I have really bad eyesight but I’m too shy to sit up front. And Ms.D just happens to write so small on the board.
Nonetheless math is torture for me this semester. It wasn’t as bad last semester. I just hope next time I get a better teacher and get to class early enough to get a good unofficially assigned seat, close to the door, but close enough so I can see the board. I know exactly where I like to sit but that seat was taken due to my tardiness. I just feel like when I go to class I’m doing everything wrong and it’s always depressing after I leave when I know I have to go home and do more homework that I don’t understand.
Maybe and hopefully I will ace this math exam tomorrow, like I did on the last exam, and prove to this teacher that I am smart and a worthwhile student. So wish me luck. This math stuff is difficult for me.