I usually don’t enjoy Monday’s, the start of the workweek, back on the grind. But today I was kind of looking forward to it. I have written long list of things for me to do for today and I like to stay busy, especially when it’s something exciting like going to a University and moving out of state to pursue my dreams and goals. I have been complaining about things to much and I realized looking back on these blogs that I am very self-critical and am always try to be perfect and can always find something about myself that I don’t like and then I zoom in and focus on that one thing about myself that I get obsessed with it and it can totally take me over and swing my mood to a depressive state like seriously take over my mind which then affects my mood. And I don’t like that about myself. I mean there’s a fine line between trying to be a better person but no one is perfect and no one ever will be. I was reading a book last night and the author was talking about how the only humans who are truly
Save The Salmon. “If we could see it through their eyes.”
living perfect and truthful lives without any clutter of the mind or living a lie are babies and infants. They have to be taught how to be cynical and angry and hateful. These are all learned behaviors that we pick up along the way for one reason or another we are conditioned to look at the flaws in life and think about ourselves or other people badly.
I know that when I find myself judging people I usually am not feeling good about myself, or if I am getting impatient or road rage in the car then I am not feeling good about myself. It’s weird because after I go to an AA meeting I usually am a much nicer driver and let people go in front of me and don’t drive around like a crazy person. So I apologize for anyone who’s read this blog and has had to read my complaints, it’s kind of embarrassing and I have no excuse other than the fact that I am stressed out about my schoolwork and it’s because I want to get a perfect score and I am not even close. I just feel like I want to give up and I get sensitive that I think the teacher and students don’t like me and that’s why i am getting bad grades, but it’s really just because I am projecting my anger onto everyone else, and it’s happening every I go. No fun! I can’t wait till I can get this semester over and have a break from all this stress. Where ever I go my ass follows me.
I am happy today because I had something to look forward to. I am getting ready to transfer to PSU and I am going to be studying a subject which I really like and am passionate about; Graphic Design. At the Junior College I loved all my Graphic Design classes and I did very well in them. I guess you could say I was a teacher’s pet and I did the best work that I could. I would get obsessed with the projects and spend endless hours on them. I think I am pretty craetive, but most importantly I have fun doing it. Sometimes my work is better than others but it’s just the ideas that are fun to come up with. I feel like once I get a formal training I will be much more skilled and going to a university might help me mature a little bit and help me get a job while I’m up there.
By the way my family got a new puppy. She is absolutely adorable. But she has show me how much work it is to take care of a puppy and I don’t think I will get a dog unless it’s full grown and it is from the animal rescue place.
Cutest dog ever!
I have applied for Portland State University in Oregon, U.S.A. I am so nervous about whether or not I got accepted. It has been a difficult process in finding out which classes are acceptably transferred out to an out-of-state system because I live in California. Therefore some of the classes that I took at my Junior College might not be applicable to their University standards, meaning I won’t get any credit for them when I get enrolled at PSU. Which is fine with me, I have been taking many classes for more than half of my life at the local junior college here in Sonoma County because I dropped out of regular college when I was 15 and did Independent study instead of going to regular classes at high school I took a variety of classes at the Santa Rosa Junior College and went to my high school once a week to turn in my homework to my Independent Study teacher.
The way I completed High School I feel like I learned a lot more than the regular public school kids did, but the one thing I did miss out was the socialization part. I did still have quite a few friends throughout my high school years but we mostly just hung out on the weekends because at the age of 16 I was already working a part-time job and was going to school at the college and enrolled in my Independent Study Program, so I was pretty busy.
As a result, I was the one of my friends that always had money because I had a job. So we would go to the City, San Francisco, and go to parties and raves and concerts. It was very fun and I felt so carefree at the time. Plus I had an older boyfriend who had a car and was able to drive us around. We went to the beach a lot too and would go camping and stuff like that. At least that’s what we told our parents when we would actually be going to the City and party our asses of all night long. I could go on and on about this but the party never stopped for me and I ended up hanging out with a tougher group of people after high school and started to get into things I shouldn’t have been doing at such a young age, and I stopped going to school. So that is why it has taken me such a long time to get my college degree. But finally by this summer I will have two degrees, one in graphic design and one in humanities. I am really looking forward to it. But most of all I just really want to get accepted by Portland State University. Then after two years I will hopefully get my B.A. and then I will be able to get a job in graphic design. And live in a beautiful place in Northern Oregon.
I felt pretty tired today after class was over because I went to school last night and then spent the night unknowingly at my boyfriend’s house and stayed up until 4:30 A.M. last night or should I say this morning. He had to go to work this morning so we woke up at 7;00 A.M. Then I had to go to school this morning at 11 A.M. So I had a little bit of time to take a nap but not much time for studying.
This usually happens on Monday nights because we both have class at the same time so we meet up after class and then hang out until the wee hours of the night. Before we know it half the night has gone by. But it is always worth it and I enjoy spending this time with him. I feel bad for him that he has to go work like this all day long when I only have a two hour class to go to and then some regular errands to run. So I get to come home and take a nap while he’s still at work working. But I guess he realizes that when he is up all night with me that he is going to be sacrificing a tiring day at work.
I am looking forward to my day off from school tomorrow where I will probably need to start job hunting as my mom told me the other day that money doesn’t grow on trees and she’s sick and tired of giving me so much money. I don’t know what she’s talking about other than the fact that I just went snowboarding once in a year and she only gave me $50 bucks, and then she gave me $30 to pay for my meds today at the pharmacy. It’s like what else am I supposed to do? Beg for the money on the street? I’ve had to do stuff like that before in my life and it wasn’t very fun. I will never go back to begging for money again I hope. Which is why I am trying to get my education and the get a job. But I am finding I could probably work while I go to school for a while.
Either way it’s stressing me out and I need to do something because I’m so tires of being broke all the time it’s not fun and I never have money to buy anything for myself. So I guess it’s time to look for work.
Unfortunately spring break is now over. It’s time to get back on the grind of schoolwork. I tremendously enjoyed my time off with the beautiful rainy showers and intermittent sunny days peaking through the clouds. It felt like winter time all over, which is my favorite season, so I got to reminisce and enjoy the past season which we just had. I love bundling up and layering up my clothes and wearing my beanie in the cold weather. I guess you could say I’m an introvert and I like to hide under the cover of cool clothing and umbrellas and hats. It just makes me feel me feel more comfortable and a little less exposed, than in the summer when it gets hot and you have to be all out there in shorts and tank tops and such.
So I got to enjoy spending some precious time with my “infamous” boyfriend as he likes to call himself on this blog now. Where we watched movies and spent a lot of time cuddling and hanging out together. He is starting a new job tomorrow so he will be turning into my new sugar daddy at least that’s what he told me and we will be going out and doing more fun stuff like going on trips to the city and going to art museums and stuff like that, which we enjoy. We have just not had the funds lately and have barely had enough money to go out on dates to go out to eat at restuarants and out to the movies. We have pretty much just been house bound which I have been fine with but I know he is getting anxious and wants to go out more, which is why he is hoping he gets paid once a week instead of twice a month so that we can do something every week if we feel like it. I love him so much I just want him to be happy and I don’t want him or us to get bored doing the same thing all the time. I mean we are still young and we should be out there having fun and exploring and going on adventures. Which we will as soon as he starts getting paid. Although I do not know if he realizes that his job doing construction and going to school is going to be pretty demanding and he will probably be tired a lot, especially his first few weeks.
Anyway I am working on my education right now and after I get my degree and get employed I will become his sugar momma, since we plan on being together forever. I plan on paying it forward and giving back to him as much as I can and anyway I can pay my own way right now. With my parents help they will allow me to go on trips on special occasions to the museum in the city and certain things like that will not be a financial problem for me. As long as I continue to do well in my classes and am able to keep up with the work I will be ok. That is my first priority at the moment right now, doing well in school, and I am. I currently have a very high “B” in my difficult math class and I have an A in my other social media class. I like my social media class because it introduced me to this blogging stuff and I absolutely love it. I have gotten liked and comments from people when I would never expected it. I’m so thrilled that people are reading my posts it makes me happy to know that people can relate to what I’m going through. So for all of you who are reading this and for all of you who comment and follow me thank you it really means alot to me. I have to admit I am an attention seeking person.
My boyfriend was concerned of why I was sharing my diary with the whole world and wanted to know if there was something we needed to talk about but it’s just something I enjoy doing. I like to see if other people will read my entries, if other people can relate to what I’m going through and if anyone has an interest to what my daily activities are but me. And I’m surprised that they do and if not that’s ok too. I’m mostly just writing for myself to see if I can become a better writer/person and improve on myself as a whole. There’s many things that come to light to when I’m writing about my daily activities. and things I find I can improve on. Or things that I find patterns in. Sometimes there’s things that I’m embarrassed to share about. But I haven’t had the guts to get that far to the point of writing about those things yet. I read other people’s posts and I am inspired by their writings one day I hope I can be as good as them. And one day I hope I can inspire others too.
Today was my boyfriend, Bryan’s, first day at his new job doing construction. It is a really good job that pays well with a very professional real estate/construction company. One of the stipulations was that you needed to have a reliable form of transportation. Obviously something to transport tools and other building materials around in, like a truck. Although his truck had formerly been in an accident and been sideswiped by another vehicle and had a big smash on the passenger side it still had a good frame even though the passenger side door did not open any more.
When he got to the gas station to fill up on his first day of work the keys would not turn over the ignition, which has been an ongoing problem in his truck for a while now. But it just had to happen on his first day to his good new job. So he called around to different scrap yards and one only offered to pay him $25 dollars for the truck. The most he could find to get for the truck was $100. So he took that instead. But I thought he would totally get more. It seems like robbery that they would only give him $100 for a truck that was just one minute ago in almost perfect running condition, albeit the smash on the side.
Anyway I went to pick him up at Starbucks where he had been waiting for the tow truck all day and then we went to go get the rest of his tools out of his truck at the scrap yard. It was sad to see that they had already spray painted the truck and marked it for demolition for parts. Well I hope he gets to keep his job that he wasn’t able to make it to today. His parents are kindly coming down to help him look at cars this weekend. So he can keep this job which he worked so hard to find. Wish him luck as he deserves it. He has had some bad luck with cars lately.