I’m free! Yesterday was my last college course for the spring semester. I’ve taken all my finals and gone to all my classes. Now I have three weeks until my summer class starts. I think I did well in my classes. I struggled through my math class but overall I think I came out with “B’s” in both of my classes. If not “B’s” then I came out with high “C’s” which would be a slight bit of disappointment, but it’s more important that I passed my math class. I’m just so glad I’m done with them and that I completed them to the best of my ability. I will never have to take another math class again unless I decide to try to get a college degree at a California State college. So I’m grateful that I am going to a class which is out-of-state, in Portland, Oregon. I am looking forward with trepidation to see what my final grades will be. I had a hard time with the math final, which might bring my grade down a bit but other than that I did well on all the exams and homework.
Now I can look forward to doing some fun things in the summer. For example, next week I will be going to a wedding with my boyfriend and his family. I might go on a rafting trip and I’d like to go backpacking in the Sierra Mountains with my boyfriend and my family. Plus I would like to start going to more AA meetings and going to the gym more often. Which I will be able to do since I will have more time on my hands.
Today is my birthday. I am feeling “old” because I am turning 36 which seems old to me. I never thought that it would take me this long to get my education but I consider myself a returning adult at college. I don’t like to admit it, but I feel old because I lost a lot of years when I was in my addiction. I actively was using for about fifteen years of my life. During that time I struggled to go to school and keep a job. My younger brother already has his Bachelor’s degree and he is ten years younger than me. So sometimes it’s kind of embarrassing to admit how old I am when I am talking about going to college, but getting my degree is something I have always been very passionate about. And I will hopefully never let drugs and alcohol get in the way of that again.
I love my family so much and they have been so supportive of me and my schooling I am so grateful to have them in my life. I am hoping to go to a university up in Portland, Oregon and they are totally supportive of it. I’m looking forward to moving out of the state and sometimes I feel anxious because it’s such a far move.
I would say it’s a 12 hour drive and a 1 hour flight to Portland from where we live now. But my mom said she looks forward to coming up and visiting us, which makes me happy. I have the best family ever and I regret if I’ve ever said anything bad about them. I just realized how lucky I am and how much I should be grateful for them. But that is just the roller coaster of emotions I’m on right now with my finals at school. I hate finals week. I feel worried that I’m not going to pass my classes and I want to show them that I can and will get good grades.
An Example of Logarithms
I am pretty much gonna say this math exam was a toss up and that I pretty much got an “F”. Which calculates into getting half of the questions right. It was super difficult for me. Right now we are studying logarithms which is the last part of my algebra class and I have to admit that I have no idea what is going on. To me it seems like a lot of the other students also did not know what to do too. Which to me means the teacher is not teaching us very good.
I am not going to continue to complain about the teacher but I have to admit I do have some personal issues about her teaching methods. This is one of the reasons I have a tutor, but with the tutor it is still hard for me to learn how to do the logarithms. I am hoping that by next Monday when I see my tutor again that I will have a better handle on this. I can’t wait for school to be over The last final I will have will be on May 23rd, which is a day before my birthday.
Today my boyfriend and I went shopping for my early birthday present and he bought me a really nice vaporizer. Which you can read and see more on my other site “sonomacountyvaping“. It is a machine that you use to smoke a liquid juice that has nicotine in it which can help you to stop smoking. It is a nice vape and it was expensive. I am so happy and satisfied with it that I will be using it all the time.
I am trying to get along better with my family and have them not get mad at me, but for some reason they all seem to be pissed off at me for no reason, especially my dad and my brother. My mom is nice to in front of my face. But I think that is because I am trying to help clean up around the house a little bit. Like washing and putting away the dishes, folding their clothes and putting them away in their room. And basically just trying to stay out of their way. We will see how it goes but that’s pretty much all I can do at the moment I don’t know how else I can help out around the house. I think my dad is just generally upset right now because he is not getting much business for his architect firm and my poor brother is just sick of living here at the house and having nothing better to do than go bicycling. He is training to go pro. I can understand what they are going through so I am just going to try to be nice to everyone and not get upset or act mean to anyone. I will not be mean to them even if they are nasty or mean back to me.
I usually don’t enjoy Monday’s, the start of the workweek, back on the grind. But today I was kind of looking forward to it. I have written long list of things for me to do for today and I like to stay busy, especially when it’s something exciting like going to a University and moving out of state to pursue my dreams and goals. I have been complaining about things to much and I realized looking back on these blogs that I am very self-critical and am always try to be perfect and can always find something about myself that I don’t like and then I zoom in and focus on that one thing about myself that I get obsessed with it and it can totally take me over and swing my mood to a depressive state like seriously take over my mind which then affects my mood. And I don’t like that about myself. I mean there’s a fine line between trying to be a better person but no one is perfect and no one ever will be. I was reading a book last night and the author was talking about how the only humans who are truly
Save The Salmon. “If we could see it through their eyes.”
living perfect and truthful lives without any clutter of the mind or living a lie are babies and infants. They have to be taught how to be cynical and angry and hateful. These are all learned behaviors that we pick up along the way for one reason or another we are conditioned to look at the flaws in life and think about ourselves or other people badly.
I know that when I find myself judging people I usually am not feeling good about myself, or if I am getting impatient or road rage in the car then I am not feeling good about myself. It’s weird because after I go to an AA meeting I usually am a much nicer driver and let people go in front of me and don’t drive around like a crazy person. So I apologize for anyone who’s read this blog and has had to read my complaints, it’s kind of embarrassing and I have no excuse other than the fact that I am stressed out about my schoolwork and it’s because I want to get a perfect score and I am not even close. I just feel like I want to give up and I get sensitive that I think the teacher and students don’t like me and that’s why i am getting bad grades, but it’s really just because I am projecting my anger onto everyone else, and it’s happening every I go. No fun! I can’t wait till I can get this semester over and have a break from all this stress. Where ever I go my ass follows me.
I am happy today because I had something to look forward to. I am getting ready to transfer to PSU and I am going to be studying a subject which I really like and am passionate about; Graphic Design. At the Junior College I loved all my Graphic Design classes and I did very well in them. I guess you could say I was a teacher’s pet and I did the best work that I could. I would get obsessed with the projects and spend endless hours on them. I think I am pretty craetive, but most importantly I have fun doing it. Sometimes my work is better than others but it’s just the ideas that are fun to come up with. I feel like once I get a formal training I will be much more skilled and going to a university might help me mature a little bit and help me get a job while I’m up there.
By the way my family got a new puppy. She is absolutely adorable. But she has show me how much work it is to take care of a puppy and I don’t think I will get a dog unless it’s full grown and it is from the animal rescue place.
Cutest dog ever!
I have been tentatively waiting for a letter to arrive in the mail that says I’ve been accepted to Portland State University, in Oregon State, U. S. A. Yesterday finally I got an email from the school that says I am officially accepted into the college. It turns out that they are considered a green college and they send out their acceptance letters via email as a way to save paper. I like this idea as I am also somebody who likes to live a green life as much as possible and believes in sustainability. I live in a very liberal and hippie/yuppie-like town in Northern California. To say the least I was very excited when I got the information that I was accepted, I didn’t believe in myself that it was possible, even though I had friends and family telling me that it was probable. I guess I need to have more faith in myself and to give myself more credit for all the hard work I’ve been putting into school. I have a grade point average of 3.35 and have been on the Dean’s honor roll for two semesters in a row. I have also received scholarships and awards for excellence in graphic design.
I almost cried when I got the information that I was accepted. The first person I told was my dad and I love to be able to give him some good news. I love to be able to make my parents proud because it has been a rare thing in my life that I have been able to do things to show them that I am a capable person and worthwhile to be supported from them for so long in my life. I mean I am a little bit of a late bloomer considering I will be 36 coming up in a few weeks. I consider myself an adult, returning college student. Which is a humbling experience because most of the students I am in class with are younger than me. But at this point I am holding my pride back because I have nothing to lose, getting an education is on the top of my priority list and I cannot wait for two years to be up to get my bachelor’s degree. I will not let anything get in my way of pursuing my dream. After that I am hoping to get my Master’s Degree.
This is finally my time to shine, yay. I feel like a phoenix rising from the ashes. I have been through so much trouble and tribulations in my young adult life that I deserve to have this great opportunity to go and finish my education. I have spent years in and out of jails and rehabs, lived on and off the streets and just basically a teenage and young adult hoodlum, committing crimes and supporting myself through illegal activities so that I could maintain an addiction to drugs in my life.
Now I am just worried that I have been given this wonderful opportunity that I am nervous that something is going to go wrong and I will not be able to complete this task. But I will take it like I have learned from the AA program “one day at a time, take it easy and this too shall pass.” So I will be also attending AA meetings when I move up there because that is who I consider to be my community, besides school, while I’m up there. And this will be used as a way to not get to get too overwhelmed with everything else that is going to come along with the schooling, transferring, navigating a new city, and new friends. Also I am so lucky that my boyfriend is willing to move up there as well. He has wanted to move up there and so it happens to work out that we are moving in together. Which I am looking forward to having my best friend and lover with me on this new venture.
I feel so lucky to be able to go to a university no matter what my age, and through trials and tribulations in my life, I know I can do this and I deserve to have this opportunity which is a fantastic thing to have. I believe that everybody should have the ability to get an education. Getting an education is critical and very important to further your maturity and ability to support yourself in a viable career. So this is something that I am not going to take for granted. Especially at this stage in my life, I am very serious about becoming a graphic designer and pursuing my education and furthering my career in my life. So thank God I am so grateful I will be going to school, it will just be getting me closer and closer to accomplishing the goals of my life. I am living the dream baby! I think that education is the key to freedom.
Encyclopedia Books (from the olden days)
I am on my way to an AA, Alcoholic Anonymous, meeting today and then I am going to the gym. I have not had any time to go to the gym this week because I have been rigorously studying for my exams, finals and final projects for the end of the semester. I am desperately trying to pull my grades up so that I will get a solid “B” in both classes. Right now I am teetering on the edge of an “D” in one class and that is making me freak out. I have tried to get ahold of the teacher and he is not responding back to me. I will have to just keep bugging him and look like I am desperate because that is what it has come down to. It is really frustrating and I know the teachers are very busy during this time to but I need some extra help too. Which I know they would be so gracious to do if I am persistent and ask nicely. I used to think I wanted to be a college professor but now I am thinking it might just be really hard work.
I am having a really hard time lately. I am spending quite a lot of time cramming for math homework. And trying to teach myself the equations and stuff. God it’s pretty hard work when you are doing it by yourself. I get really stressed out and so I have been going to a lot of AA, Alcoholic Anonymous meetings, because I am trying to ground myself and remember what’s really important in life which is my sobriety and my health. Although getting good grades is pretty high up there on my priority list. I do really miss hanging out with my boyfriend but I think he’s mad at me because I said I needed time to study and then I was going to meetings and blogging instead of studying 24/7.
Alcoholics Anonymous Logo
I have applied for Portland State University in Oregon, U.S.A. I am so nervous about whether or not I got accepted. It has been a difficult process in finding out which classes are acceptably transferred out to an out-of-state system because I live in California. Therefore some of the classes that I took at my Junior College might not be applicable to their University standards, meaning I won’t get any credit for them when I get enrolled at PSU. Which is fine with me, I have been taking many classes for more than half of my life at the local junior college here in Sonoma County because I dropped out of regular college when I was 15 and did Independent study instead of going to regular classes at high school I took a variety of classes at the Santa Rosa Junior College and went to my high school once a week to turn in my homework to my Independent Study teacher.
The way I completed High School I feel like I learned a lot more than the regular public school kids did, but the one thing I did miss out was the socialization part. I did still have quite a few friends throughout my high school years but we mostly just hung out on the weekends because at the age of 16 I was already working a part-time job and was going to school at the college and enrolled in my Independent Study Program, so I was pretty busy.
As a result, I was the one of my friends that always had money because I had a job. So we would go to the City, San Francisco, and go to parties and raves and concerts. It was very fun and I felt so carefree at the time. Plus I had an older boyfriend who had a car and was able to drive us around. We went to the beach a lot too and would go camping and stuff like that. At least that’s what we told our parents when we would actually be going to the City and party our asses of all night long. I could go on and on about this but the party never stopped for me and I ended up hanging out with a tougher group of people after high school and started to get into things I shouldn’t have been doing at such a young age, and I stopped going to school. So that is why it has taken me such a long time to get my college degree. But finally by this summer I will have two degrees, one in graphic design and one in humanities. I am really looking forward to it. But most of all I just really want to get accepted by Portland State University. Then after two years I will hopefully get my B.A. and then I will be able to get a job in graphic design. And live in a beautiful place in Northern Oregon.