I am nervous about going to school. I am nervous about how the kids will receive me and the teachers. I am nervous about how difficult the classes are going to be and if I’m going to be able to keep up. Usually the classes are pretty difficult and then you have to take the homework with you when you go home.
I hope I will make it through this new quarter. I will pray for the strength and try to get support through friends and meetings and family.
I’m really not looking forward to this intake appointment for my drug treatment program tomorrow. My doctor is ordering me to go to it because I relapsed over the Christmas break. It was pretty bad although I have to admit I did have fun even though I couldn’t remember the plane ride home and hanging out with my friends was honestly a blur so I did over do it I have to admit I don’t want to do that again so I am reluctantly going to go to this program so that I can continue to get my treatment from my doctor and my counselor.
I think it’s kind of unfair that they are sending me against my will to this program and that it is a big hassle because I live in the city and the hospital I have to go to to receive the treatment program is about 5 1/2 miles away. I don’t know how I’m going to get there and I know it’s going to be expensive just to get a ride there.
Maybe I will learn something new. I know I will meet some new people I just have to hang out with the people that want to get clean and stay clean and the people who are chasing their sobriety like I am instead of chasing drugs and alcohol. I have had a problem with drugs and alcohol for more than half my life and I do not want to do this anymore. I want to get healthy and happy I am too old for this and I do not want to repeat the same problems that I have in the past especially with so much on the line like being enrolled in a university and having to pay for my apartment and everything else that is financially hanging over my head. I do not want to let my family down or my friends cuz they are vouching for me and I need to keep in contact with those who love me and care about me not those who are going to bring me down.
I am getting ready for school at Portland State University. I have signed up for all my classes and all my other programs that I am supposed to be signed up for. I have to sign up for an outpatient program which I am not happy about but my doctor is suggesting it as far as he will not continue my treatment if I do not comply with his wishes and take this program seriously. The program is an intensive treatment where it is 3 days a week for 3 hours each day, wow, it is unbelievable what I have to do for my medications and my continued well-being. Thank God it is covered by insurance and it will help to give me a strong foundation in my sobriety at least that is what I am hoping for and what the goal is.
The only thing is I had to move all my classes to Tuesday and Thursday so I will be going to school for like 8 to 9 hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays and school is harder than a full-time job so I hope to use my Mondays and Wednesdays wisely and do my homework on those days instead of messing around and taking relaxation time because that’s what I sometimes tend to do when I have free time and don’t have a fixed schedule where anybody is watching over me and what I am doing is up to me sometimes I get distracted and do what I want.
I miss my friends and my family already and I would love to see them come up here especially my boyfriend Bryan. He is so dear to me and I want him to come up here and live with me. It would make it so much more fun to be up here and that was what our original plan was but somehow it got altered and didn’t work out. Maybe later we can try it out again and see how it works there are some kinks in the situation but hopefully they will gets moved out and things will work in our benefit. I see us having a beautiful life together and would love to wake up to him everyday and go to sleep with him every night.