My First Daily Entry

I started this blog to share random things that I experience and thoughts that I have.
Today I studied for my math exam. My teacher is really strict as she is the dean of the math department. I feel her eyes glaring at me everytime I walk into that class late as I usually do because I have a problem with arriving to places on time. Especially places I hate going to.

She walks around the class looking at our work and I feel dumb when I don’t know the answers which is usually the case because I have hard time understanding at the fast pace that she teaches at. I wonder if she dislikes me when she asks me in front of the other classmates, “Bel did you turn your homework in?” Of course I turned my homework in otherwise I probably wouldn’t be in class.

She seems to have fun embarrassing us, plus I have really bad eyesight but I’m too shy to sit up front. And Ms.D just happens to write so small on the board.

Nonetheless math is torture for me this semester. It wasn’t as bad last semester. I just hope next time I get a better teacher and get to class early enough to get a good unofficially assigned seat, close to the door, but close enough so I can see the board. I know exactly where I like to sit but that seat was taken due to my tardiness. I just feel like when I go to class I’m doing everything wrong and it’s always depressing after I leave when I know I have to go home and do more homework that I don’t understand.

Maybe and hopefully I will ace this math exam tomorrow, like I did on the last exam, and prove to this teacher that I am smart and a worthwhile student. So wish me luck. This math stuff is difficult for me.

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Good news about grade, so happy!!!

Well, I spoke with Brian Renauer, and he told me that it was okay to go ahead and finish the final exam by answering the last essay question and he would revise my grade to a better grade depending on the points I get for the answering of the question on the exam.I am so elated because this means that I have a chance at continuing my tribal funding for school and housing next term and next year! This is such a big deal I cannot explain how relieved and overjoyed I am that the professor was willing to work with me. I had to be honest with him and tell him that my disability was acting up and was preventing me from getting a satisfactory score on the final exam which dropped my grade solo. I was doing great on the assignments, getting 100% on almost everything and turning everything in. I took copious notes in class and answered questions asked of me end more. I went above and beyond in that class and I know that I can get a passing grade of a c minus when I go to finish this final exam question.

I have not told my parents that I got a bad grade and I am afraid to find out what they would say about it. But now that I have this huge opportunity to up my mark in the class, I now can proudly tell my tribe that I passed with a c minus and that constitutes a total of 12 credits per term which is the minimum amount of credits I have to take in order to be eligible for the financial aid that they award to students.

thank you God for giving me this second chance and I swear I will try my hardest to complete the question to the best of my ability and make it be known that I understand what is going on in the class and that I was present and tried to the best of my ability to complete everything that I could except for missing this one last question. I am so grateful that Brian is a understanding and sensitive man and cease the seriousness of my plate. he told me to go ahead and take my time but I need to get my last terms grades into the tribe so they know that I completed my 12 units which was the agreement from the beginning. The financial aid states that I must complete a total of 12 units and pass with a 2.5 GPA or above. So, I have successfully, so far, completed and succeeded in my quest 2 be a good standing student at Portland State University and get those darn 12 credits.

 

 

Just another rainy, Summer day

Today is July 10th, 2019, 3am in the morning. I am attempting to raise one of my unsatisfactory grades from last, spring, term, which was a D+ to a C-. So that I can pass the class and ultimately continue my financial aid, through my tribe which pays for my rent and schooling.

Tomorrow I’m going to the teachers office hours to see if I can figure for my right to raise my grade by 8 points to a C- instead of a D+. Good I don’t know what to do or say but Good please give me the power to guide me in this serious endeavor.

Loves dope

I am so tired of dealing with this self proclaimed bullshit on the daily for the past month. I knew it was bad but I chose to take a blind eye to any stupid crap. I’m pretty ready to rid myself of this misery and self induced suffering, which he seems to have no problem with.

There is definitely something wrong with him. I absolutely HATE him and would love to get him out of my life as soon as possible. I’m

Essay’s Due Today

Schools’ almost over, at least for the summer. I have many things to do and turn-in before I can call it quits and go home to visit my family and friends for a couple of weeks.  I am so looking forward to being done with the quarter. It’s been hard work. So much homework. I have enjoyed working in my Typography class but the Ancient Art and The Sex & The Family class have been pretty boring and not classes that I would have chosen to take if I had the option to not take any of the academic classes.

Today I need to write one essay for a final project and 3 other essays for practice. Oh well, it should go by quickly and then I can take a break for a while. I hope to get a summer job at school and then I’ll be able to pay my rent. Here’s one of the projects I have been working on. This is the only thing I really enjoy about school, are my graphic design classes.Poster-WEB.jpg

Sunday-Fun Day

I am happy I don’t really have anything to do but a little but of homework. I need to memorize my flashcards for my Ancient Art class, draw for my Typography class and read for my Sex & the Family class. intermittently I might go to the store and buy some more juice for my vape, watch TV and workout. But I am really all about school this term and don’t want to waste too much time running around the city and going shopping and spending money that I don’t have at Target and Nordstrom. I bought some expensive makeup at Nordstrom the other day and I need to save my money for my Uber rides to the doctor and to the hospital for my stomach ulcer.

It’s just so nice to wake up without having a stomach ache that I feel like I want to go out and do something fun. I should probably start going back to AA meetings so that I have someone to talk to and to make sure that when I get home that I will be strong enough to resist the temptation of getting high and drinking with my friends. Because sometimes when I go home I end up getting high and using with my buddies. I know this is a terrible thing to do but I am an addict and that’s what tends to happen when I want to have fun and get around old familiar places, people and stuff, it just inevitably happens to where I end up getting intoxicated. Mostly because I feel like celebrating because I feel like I deserve to get high after I complete school.

I hate it but it’s true, I am an addict and I don’t want to use. Using drugs and alcohol have always been my downfall in my life and it’s always very dangerous because it’s like playing with fire and I do feel guilty about it when it happens. I feel like I not only do I hurt myself but I hurt those around me. I guess AA meetings would be a good solution but I have to admit that sometimes it doesn’t work. We will see what happens. It’s like a catch 22, because I know that if I start going to AA meetings then I feel very guilty when I use dope. And not only do I hurt my self when I use and destroy my life but I hurt those who love me the most like my family and all those people who have been supporting me and helping me through my journey. It sucks being an addict.

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AA Support Group

 

Midterms, Ugh!

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Write, Type, Fight for Those “A’s!”

It is midterm time and the end of the Spring Term. Feeling burnt out? Yeah you could say that in the least! I’m getting so tired of school and just can’t wait for my Summer vacation. I am having low motivation on completing my homework. Just pushing along hard enough to get by at this point, but I want to keep my grades up so I need to work hard and not slack off at the end like I always do. 

I know I can do this. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend and I miss his dumbass very much. He really was a sweetie and a good person but not good to me while he is using drugs and in a different mind state. I was always worried about him and wondering what he was doing while high because he gets into these crazy antics and I’m practically two states away from him while I’m up here in Oregon and he’s close to Nevada. I have to admit that I really really miss him. And it makes me sad that when I go home next month for a week during Summer break that I will probably not see him, especially if he is still using. I don’t know, it’s complicated, but it’s probably best if I just leave him alone. Well I have 2 essays to work on and a summer job to look for so I have to get busy and start working on those.

Not to mention my stomach ache that I’ve had for the past two weeks. It’s been excruciating! Seriously painful. I went to the doctor and she said I probably have an ulcer so I’ve been drinking Mylanta like a Mo Fo. And it only seems to help for a little while. Soon, this coming week I will be getting an

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Mylanta for Ulcer

ultrasound on my tummy to see what’s going on in there. Plus it makes me bloated and I feel like I look like I’m pregnant which makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure. I have a BOFO (you see my stomach befo’ you see my butt), because my stomach sticks out farther than my ass. How embarrassing! Anyway I hope to get my health taken care of so I can concentrate on my studies and not worry about all the pain I’m feeling in my abdomen.

Spring Blues

I have just broken up with my boyfriend and in turn lost my best friend. It’s hot outside and I feel like I’m 30-pounds overweight. I am not doing very well in my Ancient Art class and I am really worried about the midterm in the class. I am not clear on what we are supposed to write about and I have a terrible time remembering the flashcards that he gives us every week. I feel like I have no friends and I am really lonely here at school. It’s probably because I am a lot older than a lot of the other people who go to school here.

I don’t know what to do about my depression other than starting to get more involved with AA meetings again and I would also like to start going to the student recreation center as well. During summer break I will continue living here on campus and I would like to have a job by then. Not only to make some money but to also make some friends and meet some new people. There is a possibility that I have an interview at Greenpeace, which is a cause that I would like to support and it might look good on my resume.

Well I am determined to change something because my lifestyle is not working for me currently and I need some emotional support and to meet a group of people who I can bond with. I’m getting burnt out at school and am struggling to keep my grades up. I have to start writing down on my calendar what extra-credit projects I can work on and get those things out-of-the-way, so I can ensure myself that I will get better grades in my classes. Right now I have two “A’s” and one “D.” I am very scared to get put on Academic Probation because that might mean I will lose my financial aid.