My First Daily Entry

I started this blog to share random things that I experience and thoughts that I have.
Today I studied for my math exam. My teacher is really strict as she is the dean of the math department. I feel her eyes glaring at me everytime I walk into that class late as I usually do because I have a problem with arriving to places on time. Especially places I hate going to.

She walks around the class looking at our work and I feel dumb when I don’t know the answers which is usually the case because I have hard time understanding at the fast pace that she teaches at. I wonder if she dislikes me when she asks me in front of the other classmates, “Bel did you turn your homework in?” Of course I turned my homework in otherwise I probably wouldn’t be in class.

She seems to have fun embarrassing us, plus I have really bad eyesight but I’m too shy to sit up front. And Ms.D just happens to write so small on the board.

Nonetheless math is torture for me this semester. It wasn’t as bad last semester. I just hope next time I get a better teacher and get to class early enough to get a good unofficially assigned seat, close to the door, but close enough so I can see the board. I know exactly where I like to sit but that seat was taken due to my tardiness. I just feel like when I go to class I’m doing everything wrong and it’s always depressing after I leave when I know I have to go home and do more homework that I don’t understand.

Maybe and hopefully I will ace this math exam tomorrow, like I did on the last exam, and prove to this teacher that I am smart and a worthwhile student. So wish me luck. This math stuff is difficult for me.

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Sunday-Fun Day

I am happy I don’t really have anything to do but a little but of homework. I need to memorize my flashcards for my Ancient Art class, draw for my Typography class and read for my Sex & the Family class. intermittently I might go to the store and buy some more juice for my vape, watch TV and workout. But I am really all about school this term and don’t want to waste too much time running around the city and going shopping and spending money that I don’t have at Target and Nordstrom. I bought some expensive makeup at Nordstrom the other day and I need to save my money for my Uber rides to the doctor and to the hospital for my stomach ulcer.

It’s just so nice to wake up without having a stomach ache that I feel like I want to go out and do something fun. I should probably start going back to AA meetings so that I have someone to talk to and to make sure that when I get home that I will be strong enough to resist the temptation of getting high and drinking with my friends. Because sometimes when I go home I end up getting high and using with my buddies. I know this is a terrible thing to do but I am an addict and that’s what tends to happen when I want to have fun and get around old familiar places, people and stuff, it just inevitably happens to where I end up getting intoxicated. Mostly because I feel like celebrating because I feel like I deserve to get high after I complete school.

I hate it but it’s true, I am an addict and I don’t want to use. Using drugs and alcohol have always been my downfall in my life and it’s always very dangerous because it’s like playing with fire and I do feel guilty about it when it happens. I feel like I not only do I hurt myself but I hurt those around me. I guess AA meetings would be a good solution but I have to admit that sometimes it doesn’t work. We will see what happens. It’s like a catch 22, because I know that if I start going to AA meetings then I feel very guilty when I use dope. And not only do I hurt my self when I use and destroy my life but I hurt those who love me the most like my family and all those people who have been supporting me and helping me through my journey. It sucks being an addict.

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AA Support Group

 

Midterms, Ugh!

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Write, Type, Fight for Those “A’s!”

It is midterm time and the end of the Spring Term. Feeling burnt out? Yeah you could say that in the least! I’m getting so tired of school and just can’t wait for my Summer vacation. I am having low motivation on completing my homework. Just pushing along hard enough to get by at this point, but I want to keep my grades up so I need to work hard and not slack off at the end like I always do. 

I know I can do this. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend and I miss his dumbass very much. He really was a sweetie and a good person but not good to me while he is using drugs and in a different mind state. I was always worried about him and wondering what he was doing while high because he gets into these crazy antics and I’m practically two states away from him while I’m up here in Oregon and he’s close to Nevada. I have to admit that I really really miss him. And it makes me sad that when I go home next month for a week during Summer break that I will probably not see him, especially if he is still using. I don’t know, it’s complicated, but it’s probably best if I just leave him alone. Well I have 2 essays to work on and a summer job to look for so I have to get busy and start working on those.

Not to mention my stomach ache that I’ve had for the past two weeks. It’s been excruciating! Seriously painful. I went to the doctor and she said I probably have an ulcer so I’ve been drinking Mylanta like a Mo Fo. And it only seems to help for a little while. Soon, this coming week I will be getting an

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Mylanta for Ulcer

ultrasound on my tummy to see what’s going on in there. Plus it makes me bloated and I feel like I look like I’m pregnant which makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure. I have a BOFO (you see my stomach befo’ you see my butt), because my stomach sticks out farther than my ass. How embarrassing! Anyway I hope to get my health taken care of so I can concentrate on my studies and not worry about all the pain I’m feeling in my abdomen.

Spring Blues

I have just broken up with my boyfriend and in turn lost my best friend. It’s hot outside and I feel like I’m 30-pounds overweight. I am not doing very well in my Ancient Art class and I am really worried about the midterm in the class. I am not clear on what we are supposed to write about and I have a terrible time remembering the flashcards that he gives us every week. I feel like I have no friends and I am really lonely here at school. It’s probably because I am a lot older than a lot of the other people who go to school here.

I don’t know what to do about my depression other than starting to get more involved with AA meetings again and I would also like to start going to the student recreation center as well. During summer break I will continue living here on campus and I would like to have a job by then. Not only to make some money but to also make some friends and meet some new people. There is a possibility that I have an interview at Greenpeace, which is a cause that I would like to support and it might look good on my resume.

Well I am determined to change something because my lifestyle is not working for me currently and I need some emotional support and to meet a group of people who I can bond with. I’m getting burnt out at school and am struggling to keep my grades up. I have to start writing down on my calendar what extra-credit projects I can work on and get those things out-of-the-way, so I can ensure myself that I will get better grades in my classes. Right now I have two “A’s” and one “D.” I am very scared to get put on Academic Probation because that might mean I will lose my financial aid.

Take My Blood Please

I have had a stomach ache for the past 2 weeks. It could possibly be an ulcer from being stressed out about school all the time. I have been to the doctor at school about it and they wanted to take my blood for it. Although, since I am a so-called “hard-stick,” phlebotomists usually can rarely get any blood from me. I’m not sure and am ashamed to tell them that I used to be an I.V. drug user and that’s part of why they can’t hit my veins. 

The school clinic even offered to pay for a taxi for me to go to the E.R. at the nearest hospital, but I had to go to class and really didn’t feel like getting probed and prodded, even though this stomach ache has been killing me for way too long. When I lived in California and had a special phlebotomist take my blood at my usual clinic, she was always able to get blood out of a vein I have on my finger. She was an old pro. Her name was Penny and she is retired now so when I had to get my blood after she left there was only one other lady there that was good at getting me. Yet last time I went to the Indian Clinic they had to take my blood out of my leg. I guess this is a big no-no in the phlebotomist community because when I tell them it’s probably easier to get a vein on my leg they say “oh no, we can’t do that.” I’m totally discouraged and want to take the needle myself and try to take the blood on my own.

Now that I live in Oregon I am trying to get set up at another Indian Clinic and yesterday they couldn’t take my blood either. This time they want to take my blood for the Hep C treatment that I had about a year ago. They want to make sure that I still do not have Hep C anymore. I am so lucky that I was able to get that treatment for free because it is a 3 month treatment and you take one pill everyday. The pill, if not covered by insurance, is $1000 per pill! So I really hope that when they test me for Hep C this time

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Taking Blood

that I am still clear of it. I will have to go to a special lab that they are sending me to so they can take my blood there.

Midterm Today On Ancient Art

God, I was really stressing on this midterm because I have a 68% in this Ancient Art class. Which means I need .2% to get a passing grade, a “C.” The class is not built very well for my style of learning. It is a lecture class and we have to memorize a lot of things. Like we get about 40 flashcards a week and then get tested on them. Having to remember names, dates and locations out of forty, obscure objects isn’t my favorite thing to do. Yet I am getting 2 “A’s” in my other classes. I really hope I get a good grade on this midterm, so I do not get put on Academic Probation.

 

 

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I Can’t Take It Anymore With My Boyfriend!!!

For the last time I have broken up with my boyfriend!!! His name is Bryan and I thought we were in love. I moved up to Portland and am going to school to get my Bachelor of Science degree in graphic design. He and I had been together for about a year prior to me moving out-of-state and going to school up here in Oregon. I used to live in California and he and I pretty much spent every waking hour together. Little did I know that he was using heroin the whole damn time! 

He finally told me the truth before I moved. He was supposed to come up here and live with me, but after he came forward and told me that he had been using and was strung out I told him I could not handle living with him. And I even gave him the chance to come up here and live with me if he could put three solid months together of sobriety time. Yet he did not. His addiction seemed to take a speedy turn into serious addiction whereas now he uses meth now too and shoots as much heroin as he can. He lost his apartment and now lives with his parents. Meaning he occasionally goes home and takes a shower and gets clean clothes and money from his dad to support his habit.

All he does is drugs. He does not work, he is not following the rules of the probation of the law program that he is now on and he has become bitter, nasty, user and an abuser. He is so mean to me sometimes and is constantly accusing me of hooking up with other people. We have tried to remain committed through this time of upheaval in his life. But it is not working and now he says he hates me and accuses me of hooking up and having sex with people all the time when I have been with no one but him in the past 2 to 3 years that we have been together.

So last night he texted me and told me that he hated me and that he knows I hooked up with someone while he was up here visiting me. So I blocked his number. He is crazy and out of control. When he drove up here, out of his way for about a 12 hour drive he left me and ran around with the homeless kids around here, asked a woman to go on a date with him and when he left he took off with $100 dollars of mine and didn’t even say goodbye.

So I blocked his number today and even though it makes me sad that we will not be together anymore. I am relieved that he cannot and will not hurt me anymore. I want him out of my life but it’s so hard because when we were doing good I wanted to marry him and have his children. He is a good person but he is on drugs and when he is high he is not himself. He treats me horribly when he comes up here to visit me and now I am sad because I lost someone who I thought was a good friend to me. Yet he is numb. He doesn’t have any normal feelings because they are all blocked out by all the dope he is on. I hope I can go on without contacting him or having anything to do with him.

I do still love him as a person but I cannot be around him when he is high, which is all the time. I am sad and depressed about it but not talking to him is the only thing I can think of doing. I feel like my heart has been broken so many times by him and I don’t want to hurt anymore. I need to find the strength within myself to let him go. This is really hard. And such a tragic situation. I loved him so much and now he’s gone. I pray that he finds help and gets sober for the well-being of his own life. I feel helpless there’s nothing I can do to help him.